Schrondinger and Liberace walk into a bar...

"Ha! Made you look" - Schrodinger


“One for each finger.” - Liberace*
Note: Historians and biographers assume that he was talking about his many fine and priceless rings and not, as contested, young boys.


"Woof!" - Schrodinger's Cat

Yellow Dots and Nixon

“You’re worthless.” – Martha Harperdasher-Ball, wife of Harvey Ross Ball, inventor of the (then) unpopular: Big Yellow Dot.


“Fuck it, let’s go surfing!” Richard Milhouse Nixon.


“…” – Martha Haperdasher, ex-wife of multi millionaire Mr. Harvey Ross Ball, inventor of the (very) popular: Big Yellow Dot With Smiling Face©.

HMS Bounty and Hoover

“No, no… leave the rum and loose women behind. The men will understand.” – Capt. Bligh


“The Fucking Cunt!” – Fletcher Christianson.


“I don’t have to tell you shit!” – J. Edgar Hoover to his reflection.

Newton, Flying Pig and a Puppy

“Up…down…up…down…UP…DOWN,down? YES! DOWN!” – Sir Isaac Newton and the epiphany that destroyed his marriage.

“Do it… no one is watching you, just do it.” – Arthur, the world’s first and foremost flying pig.

“I’ll burn this city to the ground.” – That puppy in the window, the one with the waggily tail.

Gal, Stal and Wilde

“I just wanted some attention.” – Galileo

“This doesn’t leave the office, but I’m thinking of getting a puppy.”- Josef Stalin

“I prefer handsome men.” – Oscar Wilde, moments before masturbation.

Adam and Eve Push Columbus Out and Let Crusoe In

“Are you ticklish here?” – Adam to Eve

“That dirty son of a bitch knows damn well what time it is.” - Crusoe

“OUT!” – Columbus.

Pollock Talks Crusoe Into God

“ACHOOOOOOOOO! ... Aw, Dammit! …wait.” - Jackson Pollock

“I call it slow dancing.” – Robinson Crusoe to Friday.

“Because I want the world to know the score. Me: 1, You: 0.” - God to Noah.

Crusoe Dreams About Cows While Armstrong Watches From Above

“KEEP.THE.DOOR.CLOSED!” - A frustrated Neil Armstrong to a well meaning Buzz Aldrin.


“I’ll kill you.” – One out of every twenty thousand Cows.


“Now, dunk the cookie in the milk.” – Robinson Crusoe to Friday.

Nostradamus Didn't Predict Curie and Warhol

“Everyone is going to want one just like it.” – Nostradamus on his new robe.


“Hey! You can chew it too!” – Marie Curie on early uses for Radium.


“It needs more… soup.” - Andy Warhol on his bowl.

Hemingway and His Bull Ignore JFK's Advances

“You! I saw you speaking to the bull and now he won’t fight, what did you say to him?” – Juan Belmonte to Ernest Hemingway.


“Fitzgerald's got a bigger one than you.” – Ernest Hemingway to a bull already pushed too close to the edge.


“How ‘bout this Christmas I cum on your tits.” – Standard JFK Christmas card.

Jurassic Shakespeare

“We win, earth” - Dinosaurs.

“Finish them!” - Earth to Meteors.

“And they all die in the end.” – Overheard by a desperate and deadline suffering William Shakespeare.

Earhart and Einstein Get Their soup Cooled By Jesus

“I’ll wing it.” – Amelia Earhart

“Aha! blow on the soup!” – Albert Einstein on his theory for super cooling soups that are too hot.

“I’m kinda’ seeing someone.” - Jesus Christ to Mary Magdalene.

WWJD with Darwin and Newton?

“You won’t get away with this you rat bastard!” – Charles Darwin to a collection of nimbus clouds.


“Look what I can do with this stupid fucking apple.” – Sir Isaac Newton to no one in particular... but there was a suspicious looking pigeon nearby.


“I hate it when they take your cup away and you still have wine in it.” – Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Dutch Virgins on Christmas Eve

“I think it broke.” A worried Holy Spirit to the (not so) Virgin Mary


“It’ll cost ya.” The Manhattan tribe to the Dutch colonists.


“You can choke on your dice for all I care, I won’t have it!” Edward James Scrabble to the Parker Brothers on Christmas Eve 1934.

Free Chicken For Dali As Long As He Washes His Hands

“It’ll be our little secret.” – Colonel Sanders to Buddy Holly 02/02/59.


“I have a moustache? What moustache?” – Salvador Dali


“Are your hands clean?” – Genitals.

Dahmer, Newton and Steve Allen Tell Ghost Stories

“How dare they say I can’t do it, I did it, It’s done – now what do they have to say? – Jeffrey Lionel Dahmer to the Media.
Note: There was a confusing amount of applause to follow.


“Put it down, I said down, now!” – Sir Isaac Newton to his upstart juggling son Dennis Newton.


“You stole my bit.” – Steve Allen to his reflection.
Note: He was wearing a Groucho Marx mask and may or may not have been crying.

Darwin Makes Out With Some Flowers While Revere Shouts

“They all look the fucking same to me!” - Georgia O’Keefe.


“Damn crickets, they’ll keep me up half the night – what’s that?” – Paul Revere, moments before history.


“The little shit bit me, fuck it – I don’t care what you do, boil the ugly thing for all I care.” – Charles Darwin on the evolution of Lobsters.

Galileo Meets Armstrong While Jesus Takes Five.

“The earth is round, Round I tell you…put me down…put me down!” – Unknown heretic to a dismissive yet dangerous crowd and one fiercely attentive and frantically scribbling Galileo.


“You can’t smoke in here!” - A whiny Neil Armstrong to a tired and frankly, fed up Buzz Aldrin.


“Where did I put it?” - Vladicus Civillius, Roman guard to Christ’s tomb.

Walking On The Moon W/ Poe and... A Blimp

"You have to eat the whole thing...because that's the dare, that's why." - Edgar Allen Poe


"How'd this pebble get in my boot?" - Neil Armstrong


"I'll catch the one at 5:30." - Hindenburg survivor and eternal procrastinator
James MaCavoy