It's A Little Tricky But Mostly Treats

"Sorry kids, I only have caramel apples, full sized candy bars and grape crush." - Robert Frost: Pulitzer winner and World's Greatest House on Halloween

"Cool Hitler costume!" - Ezra Pound

"I gave you a trick... now, where's my treat?" - Robinson Crusoe to a worried Friday

Did You Hear The One About Labour Day?

"Another labour day has passed and I didn't have a single hysterical pregnancy. I wish I had someone to talk to." - Ronald Reagan

"The moon was pretty neat but did you know that Newfoundland has pineapple crush soda. Now that's outta this world." - Neil Armstrong

"Women just get me." - Marquis de Sade

I Can Hear You Barking And I don't care

"Even with the world on your shoulders there's always time to eat some poop." - Lassie

"Rabies kills, use a condom." - Old Yeller

"Kids these days need to look the fuck around." - Lassie

Hegel Is As Hegel Does

"Number 38 on my bucket list: Eat a whole tub of cool whip." - Hegel

"I'll get to Jesus in a minute but first, raise of hands - who here has heard of a time share? Are there any Corinthians in the crowd?" - St. Paul

"Number 39 on my bucket list: Spread the good word about cool whip." - Hegel

Hegel This and Hegel That

"Number 27 on my bucket list: Go on all the roller-coaster rides - especially Top Gun." - Hegel

"Let's go to another pet store - that puppy in the window is staring at me." - Ivan Pavlov

"Number 28 on my bucket list: Have sex with my eyes open." - Hegel

A Moment of Silence for Vacations

"Are long white beards in fashion yet? No? Goodnight then." - Rip Van Winkle

"Ugh... more explosions? No more bomb shelters, next year we're vacationing at my mothers and that's final!" - Eva Braun

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! And I brought some incurable diseases with me and a few things/people that bite." - Charles Darwin

See The World, Punch A Dalai Lama

"Why would we see a play? Because it's fun that's why!" - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"Today I feel............................ enlightened?" - Dalai Lama

"Around the world? The whole world? In a boat? Bullshit." - Ferdinand Magellan

Nazi Cakes, Western Friendships and One Dragon

"As American as... a pastry." - Schneider's Nazi Cakes

"Promise not to get mad? I used your tooth brush. You promised!" - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"You're sounding a lot like a dragon I used to know." - St. George

It's Inquisition Time Kids!

"Rome, Let me assure you - we're sleeping head to toe." Mark Antony

"Bolivia! They'll accept our love in Bolivia, I'm sure of it." - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"The mace is for gentle guidance, the rack for rehabilitation, the whip for encouragement, the red hot pokers for poking and the nice towels are for guests only." - Tomas de Torquemada, first Inquisitor General of Spain

It's Good To Be The Son Of God... Not So Much Voltaire

"Haven't you heard, I'm sooooooooooooooooooo witty." - Voltaire

"Hilarious, Apple pie... again." - Isaac Newton

"This is probably just the wine talking but guys... I think I'm going to come back from this." - Jesus "Back In My Day" Christ

Let's Go To Camp... Not You Houdini

"Eating six salt crackers in under a minute cannot and will not be done by man!" - Harry Houdini

"We don't see it as it is - we see it as it was... That's why you can't go to summer camp." - Carl "Dad" Sagan

"Beware of the person of one book, especially if it's heavy or has gilded corners - those hurt the most." - St. Thomas Aquinas

Good Ol' Boys Will Be Good Ol' Boys

"When I'm feeling blue I pull my stovepipe hat down past my chin and dream I'm a space man... my dogs go crazy when I do it." - Abraham Lincoln

"Asia minor eh? I'll take it!" - Alexander The Great

"Rum, sodomy and the lash... the party starts at nine." - Winston Churchill

Three People To Keep Away From Booze - Unless You Want A Novel

"George Harrison is my favourite Beatle. Let's see if America prints that!" - James Joyce

"Frag em' and Bag em'!" - Ulysses S. Grant

"Before I die I hope to find that rat bastard Mark Twain and the money he owes me!" - Samuel Clemens

Music, Dancing, And Mark Twain's Penis

"And so I said 'Madame, I'm sure that if it wasn't for the cold water I'd display for you a larger reception', that was the last time I showed my penis in public your honor." - Mark Twain

"Dancing? No, I don't think it will catch on here in America." - Richard Nixon

"I call it Jazz." - Mozart

Togas, Khans And A SkateBoard Universe

"Toga day. I hate toga day." - Plato

"I'll have 4 horses, two pigs, three severed heads, a half dozen women and a diet coke. Just kidding - a bucket of frothy blood please." - Genghis Khan

"Heliocentrism is cool but skateboards are cooler - watch me ollie this globe." - Nicolaus Copernicus

The Perfect Way To Ruin A Caesar

"I get it - you guys are pissed off." - Julius Caesar

"Who ate all the pussy?" - Ben Franklin

"Caesars for breakfast, caesars for lunch, caesars for din din... This isn't my house?" - Ted Kennedy

Billy Clinton and Kafka Swap Jokes

"Killing a man ain't hard, double treble crochets are hard." - Billy the Kid

"How many Kafka's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Please leave me alone." - Franz Kafka

"All through the trial I kept wondering what a prize pig would look like in a dress and then I had a snickers bar for dinner." - Bill Clinton

Dickens And The Techno Dreamcoat

"He said 'Dream coat', I asked 'Techno colour?' He said 'Yes', I said 'Amazing' - and Brothers, look at me now!" - Joseph

"Don't worry, we'll sleep head to foot." - Don Juan

"Everyone loved 'Hard Times' but no one mentioned my new haircut, these are hard times indeed." - Charles Dickens

Easy On The Salt G-Man

"Let me tell you what I don't like and it starts with your face." - Julie Andrews

"Red Velvet cake." - George S. Patton

"No, in fact - I don't think there is enough salt on my fries." - Ghandi

Jane Goodall's Big Dance

"What's so damn funny about a chicken escaping across the road?" - Colonel Sanders

"Young, talentless and scared for my big dance recital I peered through a slit in the curtain and searched the audience for my parents' stern but reassuring faces. I did not see them - but waved instead to an entire front row of Gombe Chimpanzees who hooted and howled and threw feces all in my name. I made a very big life decision that night." - Jane Goodall

"Steek, chiken friys, a wuman from tennisee, a jazzie sambah beet... one dictionary." - Tony Bennett

Sweat, Tony Bennett and Reynolds Ala Burt

"Man is a pig and Politics a blade - Twist the blade and bleed the pig." - Richard "Sweat it out" Simmons

"David Bowie, a Chihuahua packed full of cocaine and some Kennedy bastard flush with green... now for the melody." - Tony Bennett

"Mmmm Black girls." - Burt Reynolds

Good Times, Great Friends and Golden Oldies

"The Gombe Chimpanzees weren't returning our calls last sunday - concerned for their safety we tracked them back to their camp and found them enjoying a lovely sunday dinner with the phone off its hook." - Jane Goodall

"Bring me their dimples or bring me their heads." - Shirley Temple

"I've got a feeling - that tonight's gunna be a good night - that tonight's gunna be a good good niiiight." - Paul Revere

Fake Ass Girzzly Bear Kissed Gore Vidal - Ansel Adams Teased

"When I tell you I've kissed a lot of boys it's in your best interest to believe me." - Gore Vidal

"Grizzly bears hate fake bitches." - James "Grizzly" Adams

"If you're not a mountain then get the hell out of the shot!" - Ansel Adams

Lincoln The Critic Meet Franklin The Fetishist... And Some Chimps

"This play needs another act like I need a hole in the head." - Abraham Lincoln

"The Gombe Chimpanzees are reading 'Atlas Shrugged' right now - most of them highly recommend it." - Jane Goodall

"I've always liked nipples... I'm sorry, I'm too drunk." - Ben Franklin

Polio, Chimps and Good Ol' Honey On Nipples

"Polio shmolio, here's what I think of Polio - Eleanor! Hand me my tap shoes." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Despite pressure from outside groups the Gombe Chimpanzees refuse to pick a side in the Israel-Palestine conflict, although they strongly believe in a free Tibet." - Jane Goodall

"I like honey on my nipples...? Those aren't my words! From now on I'll be locking my study." - T.S. Eliot

WE DID IT AMERICA!

"Happy fifth of July New Washington land." - George Washington

"One more scoop of Ice Cream and then it's straight to killing myself." - Franz Kafka

"It's either fifteen pesos per cap or It's hip to be square." - William S. Burroughs

Big Ben, Liberace and Satanic Chimps

"A penny saved is a penny earned - Then again, whores love pennies." - Ben Franklin

"I cried all the way to the bank and then Tony Curtis' chalet." - Liberace

"The Gombe Chimpanzees listened patiently to the Jehova witnesses and even offered them some ice tea afterwards, but gracefully refused to convert from Satanism." - Jane Goodall

Peanuts, A Penis and Ben Franklin On MDMA

"Don't worry we'll sit and talk about peanuts after you agree Israel exists." - Jimmy Carter

"I'm going to show you my penis and you're going to like it." - The man in the mirror

"Give me Liberty or give me a handful of that fucking cake!" - Ben Franklin

Money Science Sex Magic

"Try something new - everyday. Just don't tell the wife ; )" - Alfred Kinsey

"Oh magic Genie of the lamp my second wish is... Herod's wife." - Jesus Christ

"Rubbing two dollars together does not make four - but it does make other people uncomfortable on the train if you do it fast enough." - Unknown

WWJW: What Would Jesus Wish?

"If you're holding out for a better man... I wouldn't." - Richard Nixon

"Oh magic Genie of the lamp my first wish is... A solid gold robe." - Jesus Christ

"Hawwwwwwwwwt Sauce or Hot sauce, it doesn't matter - just put it on." - Martin Luther King Jr.

One Chimp, Equation And Jerk To Rule Them All

"My murder falcon thinks I'm funny." - Genghis Khan

"Being a man takes guts, grit and the nerve to stand up and say E=MC2, even if you know it's all bullshit." - Albert Einstein

"Never ones to gossip the Gombe Chimpanzees respectfully decline or tactfully change subject whenever Bonobo Chimpanzees are brought up in conversation." - Jane Goodall

Words, Weapons and Broken Chimp Hearts

"Butts butts I like butts... This isn't what I wrote." - T.S. Eliot

"Golfing, falconry and some light mutilation - Hobbies keep you young." - Genghis Khan

"The Gombe chimpanzees knew that chad wasn't right for me but thought it best to let me discover the truth rather than poke their nose in my private life. " - Jane Goodall

Gilbert And Sullivan Can Suck It

“Hum what you know.” – W. S. Gilbert

“…If that fails, buy it from a china man and call it a day.” – Arthur Sullivan

“The Gombe chimpanzees were there at nine in the morning with a van, a dolly and a case of beer.” – Jane Goodall

Inventors And Chimps Kiss The Same

“Here’s an idea, fuck off!” – Thomas Edison

“It makes bread, heats water, immunizes infants and fools around with Edison’s wife.” – Nikola Tesla

“They RSVP’d the next day and almost every one of the Gombe chimpanzees has bought something on the registry.” – Jane Goodall

Lincoln, Goodall And Roosevelt = Another Drink Please

“I never thought I’d be the one to tell you this but you have a stupid hat.” – Abraham Lincoln, to his reflection

“Although they didn’t like the play, all the Gombe Chimpanzees agreed that it was nice to get out for a night.” – Jane Goodall

“It doesn’t matter what size the bear is, I only brought one dress and I’ll be damned if that bear isn’t going to wear it.” – Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

Everest, Chimps or Salted Nuts: Life Decisions

“All men are like peanuts, when you crack their shells they’ll show you their nuts… Unless they’re salted and shelled… In that case you’ll have to pay more… It’s a navy blue Lexus.” – Jimmy Carter

“I don’t know what’s more terrifying – Climbing Mt. Everest or telling that Sherpa how I really feel.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

“The Gombe Chimpanzees have no love for Phil Collins – but seem to respect his body of work and contribution to music.” – Jane Goodall

Kidney Stones Go To Hell Through Your Urethra

"It's like having your child ripped from your womb... only your child is a griffin with huge terrifying talons." - Lucille Ball on Kidney Stones

"Father, why have you forsaken me?" - Jesus Christ on Kidney Stones

"I'd rather give women the vote... They did what?" - The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon on Kidney Stones

The Boys Are Back In Town... They're Pissed

“I’ll dance for you today but I’ll have my bloody revenge tomorrow.” – Gene Kelly

“I dream of power and glory but wake to mirrors and cold truth; All is not fair and not all are fair.” – Richard Simmons

“Do Lewis and Clark plan to hold hands the entire expedition?” – Thomas Jefferson

Lewis And Clark Love Their Little Trips Overseas

“What did that bitch say?” – Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots

“It is my will that no living person of my kingdom or regency narrate a single nature documentary.” – The Mad King George III of The United Kingdom

“We shall kiss when we reach the Pacific Ocean and not a river sooner.” – Meriwether Lewis And William Clark

Why I Hate Late Medieval Russia, Tony Curtis And Susan B. Anthony

“If I told you – you had a beautiful body would you let me try on that chiffon dress.” – Tony Curtis

“Stick and stones may break my bones but at least I’m not one of your whores.” – Susan B. Anthony

“Where did I put those pikes? This happens every time I have fresh severed heads.” – Ivan The Terrible (if not somewhat forgetful)

A Queen, A General and A Stereotype Made Delicious

“Today is the day we beat back the Spanish and crush them beneath our steel – The kissing contest has been moved to Tuesday.” – Queen Elizabeth I of England

“I’m drunk… are you drunk? Good – CHARGE!” – George Armstrong Custer

“Raccoon, ancient spells... some basil.” – Chef Boyardee, Last Words.

Muppets, Fried Chicken And Infectious Enlightenment

“Fire… only fire can kill them.” – Jim Henson, last words.

“I was near death, with doctors saying that I wouldn’t make it through the month – and then I thought, ‘Hey, why don’t I sell my fried chicken instead of just eating it all to myself.” – Colonel Sanders

“If I wasn’t reaching enlightenment I’d be reaching for some dice, three fingers of scotch and your skirt.” – Dalai Lama

Jerry Garcia, King Louis And A Stone Cold Prick

“Barbeque chips and semen - God how I loved the summer of 67” – Jerry Garcia

“I’ve always liked the way it looks especially when its wet.” – Michelangelo

“I think the world can all agree on how great my wife’s cake tastes – What’s all that noise outside?” – King Louis XVI

Motorhead, Kites And Foreign Jello

“The wind is too strong to fly a kite today.” – Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

“It would be easier to share jello recipes if they all spoke english.” – Nancy Reagan, on foreign policy

“I don't care if they send me to my room, or ground me for a few weeks - Heck, they can ground me for the entire term - Motorhead is for life!” – George Bush Jr

American Heroes And Legends... Some Graphic Sex

“This pocket has apple seeds and this pocket… Cocaine and doodles of a naked Mary Todd Lincoln.” – Johnny Appleseed

“Black chicks man, black chicks.” – King Henry VIII

“The sword is sharp but the feather tickles.” – Richard Simmons

The Room Would Smell Awful

“Even If I had twenty midgets for every one of your freckles I wouldn’t trade you.” – George Bernard Shaw

“What me worry?” – Leon Trotsky

“I know a great little place where we can go philosophize for a bit... bring a blanket and some wine - and wash your hands.” - Socrates

Blind Love, Blind Faith And Mickey Rooney Yelling

“All anyone needs is a kind woman with Jesus in her heart and a beautiful bumpy face.” – Louis Braille

“I don’t need you, I DON’T NEED ANYONE! What I do need is another fifteen pounds of make up and six ounces of gin and a script for fifty years ago – quit crying, I ain’t shooting at you.” - Mickey Rooney

“Bangs or… no bangs.” – Samson

The Donners Are Throwing A Party? Y'all In?

“I’ve felt fat this whole voyage.” – Christopher Columbus

“The groundhog said another six weeks – it’s been five, so let’s keep marching.” – George Donner

“The most dangerous men are the ones who refuse to stay bottomed.” – Merv Griffin

This Is Why Merv Griffin Is Outlawed

“Everybody knows Bronson was the spic Marlon Brando.” – The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon

“Did you hear the one about the chicken crossing the road? No? Then I guess it never happened.” – Immanuel Kant

“The money, the keys and your jacket – NOW!” – Merv Griffin

Philosophy: Not Even Once

“The way I see it, unless she says no – it’s yes.” – Socrates

“When I was young and liked a girl, you’d give her a bouquet of peanuts and she knew how you felt – Nowadays, kids have e-mail phones, sext messages and friends… Call me old fashioned but maybe it’s time to bring back the bouquet of peanuts.” – Jimmy Carter

“Wanna’ hertz donut?” – Confucius

John Daly And George Jones Drink Till They See Geronimo

“The house always wins.” – Geronimo

“Eight inches may not seem like a lot but when it’s your asshole you make the putt.” – John Daly

“I’ll drink when I’m ready-I'm ready!” – George Jones

Escher Holds Pencils, Fitzgerald And Willie Nelson Hold Hands

“When I'm bad Zelda punishes me by killing off a major character... Poor Gatsby, if Hemingway hadn't brought that Moroccan boy over you'd still be alive.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

”Dear IRS, I am ready to pay my taxes now. Where would you like me to send a check? Have you any room up your ass?” – Willie Nelson

“Nobody buys my portraits of famous dogs in nazi uniforms.” – M.C. Escher

Dancing With The Stars... And One Former Surgeon General

“If you’re going to stay up all night – grab some mountain dew.” – Confucius

“Legion halls are the only safe place to get drunk and play musical chairs.” – Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

"I like it, don't get me wrong I like it - but can we try it without your finger in my ass." – Dick Clark, on learning ‘The Hustle’ from Stevie Wonder

Lincoln, Ty Cobb And Kissinger: Deadlocked Beauty Pagent

“I like negroes – I like em’ ten, twenty yards away from me.” – Ty Cobb

“Not only will I win, I’ll win with a goofy beard and a top hat to boot.” – Abraham Lincoln, two years before his candidacy for president of the United States of America – five years before it became marketable – six years before people were saying that they were doing it before Lincoln – twelve years before it became iconic – 145 years before it would become ironic.

“I laughed loudest.” – Henry Kissinger on his Nobel Peace prize

Roosevelt, Dickens And Confucius = Best Summer Ever!

“I think we can all agree it’s time for the world to start dancing again - Not me of course.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Instead of writing I've decided to pick up the guitar and grow my hair long... Who would care?" – Charles Dickens

“The man who writes more than a couple Haikus in his lifetime is a virgin.” – Confucius

Oscar Wilde, Jefferson Davis Or Richard Simmons: Who's The Cutest?

“I say we put it to a vote: All those opposed to Slavery, raise your shackled arms.” – Jefferson Davis

“If you think Homosexuality is a sin, try it with maple syrup (inaudible giggles).” – Oscar Wilde

“You pray to a god that does not look but laughs at your face.” – Richard Simmons

Kafka And Burton Push A Young Art Garfunkel Too Far

“Here, drink this Gin – you look thin.” – Richard Burton

“Big butts, sex on the beach and colored girls.” – Art Garfunkel, on early inspiration

"The gun is for my sinuses." - Franz Kafka

The Great Orator: Richard Simmons

“Danger, unlike air - must be lived in order to breathe.” – Richard Simmons

“My God you’re beautiful!” – Diane Arbus, on unique lying and magic words

“I have no fucking idea.” – Charles Darwin.

The 100th Post Sylvia Plath Spectacular

“Our electric bills will get too high Ted, (to the salesman) we’ll take the gas one in blue… no black.” – Sylvia Plath.

“Newspapers are the diarrhea of the printed word… And I my friends aim to be the biggest anus of them all.” – A young Rupert Murdoch

“No, you’re not doing it right – you have to be more gentle, like this… this is how you tickle.” – Robinson Crusoe To A Skeptical Friday

Inner City Violence, BBQ's And Some Light Reading

“What it is young blood?” – Lucille Ball

“I call it 'Chauce Sauce' – it’ll revolutionize outdoor grilling. “ – Chaucer

“Today is a good day to die!” - Richard Simmons

Happy Birthday Magritte, Crusoe and Chaucer! Now Please Stop Kissing

“Did you know this stuff is worth millions?” – Rene Magritte, on Granny Smith apples

“The red lipstick - Because it’s my birthday and I want you to look nice.” – Robinson Crusoe to an incurious Friday

“I’m sorry - did you father English literature? No? Well then I guess you better keep sucking.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

Jesus Christ These Eclairs Are Racist

“Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya!” – Jesus Christ

"If my enemy is my friend then I guess that means chocolate eclairs and my thighs are getting married this summer."- Richard Simmons

"I'm a twelve time NBA all star - you don't have to tell me my eyes are petty, I already know. " - Larry Bird

Bob Hope And Andre Breton Agree: Salman Rushdie Looks Funny

“Meow, I’m a plane.” - Andre Breton

“Keep reading the book.” – Salman Rushdie

“I’ll die the way I lived, with a gun in my mouth and twelve Jewish writers in my pocket.” – Bob Hope

Fantasy, Philosophy And Abnormal Genitals

“But where does it go after I flush it?” – Hegel

“Three tabs of Mescaline later out shat Bilbo Baggins.” – JRR Tolkien

“I don’t like kids - they always laugh at my genitals.” – Unknown, Milton Berle.

Momma's Gotta Read

“Tuesdays With Morrie = Money, The Five People You Meet In Heaven = Pussy; (Insert book) = Money for pussy.” – Mitch Albom, on writer’s block

“The angels did it.” – Dan Brown

“I sleep on a bed of your mother’s money.” – Danielle Steel

Crosby, Peck And Lamentably Jack Lemmon

“If I could have one wish, one little wish – I’d bring back Malcolm X and ignore him all over again.” – The always controversial Jack Lemmon

“What do you mean Sipowicz got her pregnant?” – Gregory Peck, retirement and NYPD Blue: a deadly cocktail. *Thanks SB

“Short back and sides but leave the moustache, that's where I keep Stevie Nicks.” – David Crosby

Ty Cobb Ain't Liked Much Round' These Parts

“Just swing at it. If you miss – go home and fuck your wife (or someone’s) and count your money. Baseball!” – Babe Ruth

“Mantle said that? Man, he can stick it up his ass – drunk motherfucker.” – Jackie Robinson

“It’s just me against the world and the world is full of niggers.” – Ty Cobb

Flynn, Roosevelt and Como = Best Stag Ever

“No no, I’m pretty sure you said eighteen.” – Errol Flynn

“My house - 4 O’Clock, bring gin but leave the boys at home.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Say it loud – I’m black and I’m proud.” – Perry Como

Tolkien and Carter Agree: No Lemmon's In Their House

“Keeping a secret is expensive.” – JRR Tolkien, on the necessity of his trilogy

“Peanuts and politics go hand in hand, they both start from the ground up, they got a tough shell with a nutty reward, they fit in your pocket; they get stuck in your teeth, ruin your marriage, make you rich… You eat them… Peanuts are great… This isn’t my iced tea.” – Jimmy Carter

“What’s wrong with the back of the bus?” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

Tony Curtis and Nixon Watch Julia Child Bake Her Life Away

"I am woman here me roar in numbers too big to ignore (Expletives and gestures removed)." - Tony Curtis

"Ginger and Nutmeg - fresh - whole cream, skim milk, cocoa, naplam and good friends." - Richard Nixon

"Give me a quart of tequila, a wooden spoon and three hours and you'll have one drunk cake on your hands. Can I stay on your couch?" - Julia Child

Redd Foxx Beat Elvis To Your Momma

"The worst birthday I ever had?... Yours." - Your Mother.

"Go ahead and call the cops but I'm still gunna sing about having sex with teenagers." - Elvis Presley

"They kept saying put on pants, and I kept saying fuck off!" - Redd Foxx

Breasts, Generals and Birds By JRR Tolkien

"Go home Tim Robbins, you're drunk." - Sigourney Weaver

"The Hobbit." - George S. Patton

"I drew birds all my life because I'm terrible at drawing breasts." - John James Audubon

Jesus Is Big Right Now, James Cameron Big

“It’s a red keychain with a picture of me in white… If you find it let me know and I’ll come back and get it.” - Jesus “Come again?” Christ

“And then I was all like, ‘Kingdom of Heaven? Why not.” – Jesus “Easter Jones” Christ

“Nuff’ said.” – Jesus “Rise'm and Leave'm” Christ

Big Foot And Plato Show Up And Leave The Last Supper Hungry

"Mmm... Ciabatta." - The Apostle Mark at the last supper

"These aren't my socks." - Big Foot

"First we wrestle naked then we philosophize... and if there's time we'll cuddle." - Plato

Bob Hope And Custer Tease Shulz Until He Cries Money

“I want my life back.” – Charles M. "Sparky" Shulz

“When's passover this year?” – Bob Hope

“Fuck those guys.” – George Armstrong Custer

Julia Child And Jesus Christ, Alone At Last

“When no one is looking, I spit in it. I hate my life.” – Julia Child

“Catholics do it all Sunday long.” – Pope John Paul Yo’ Mama!

“This whole thing will blow over in a couple weeks.” – Unknown Roman guard, Sunday before the first Easter

Bardot's In Heat And Leonard Cohen Reads Bronte

“I’m gently realizing just how terrible I am.” – Emily Bronte

“I went to a camp for it.” – Brigitte Bardot

“Why would I ask how old she was?” – Leonard Cohen

Shel Silverstein Drinks Palmers And Dreams Of Pete Rose

“Just give me six daiquiris and a seat facing the sun.” – Arnold Palmer

“Put fourteen thousand on the Cardinals… I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.” – Pete Rose

“Is your mom or dad home?” – Shel Silverstein

Buster Keaton And Capone's Ghost Ruin John Wayne's Party... Again

“I bet you keep your fists in your pockets – Commie.” – John Wayne

“When I’m not falling down I like to hunt men.” – Buster Keaton

“File your taxes… or don’t, either way you’ll end up with syphilis.” – Al Capone

History's F-Buddies: A Compendium

"Charisma." - Pierre Trudeau, on how to shock Canadian voters

"Even though you want to, even though you think it right, even though the whole world will be watching - Do not whip it out." - Bill Clinton, on his "Saxophone"

"Peanuts are like French girls, you can whistle at them all you want but all's they gunna' do is speak French." - Jimmy Carter

Fred And Ginger in "Achtung Jack Lemmon"

“The best Christmas I ever had was when I got my first pair of tap shoes.” – Fred Astaire

“What Holocaust?” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

“The worst Christmas I ever had was when Fred got his first pair of tap shoes… that and every Christmas with Howard Hughes. ” – Ginger Rogers

A Pyrrhic Victory Between Oscar Wilde, Milton and an Expensive Brunch Bill

“I guess we got a little carried away.” – King Pyrrhus of Epirus

“Pink for little girls, blue for boys and black lace for me.” – Oscar Wilde

“Pan-sexual angels? Yes Please!” – John Milton

The Future Holds Kissable Chimps And Micro Tampons

“Your wife is a slut.” – Man From The Future

“One must worry constantly, sometimes never sleep. That is how quality is controlled.” – Jason Alexander Maxi-Pad Tampon, original developer of the first mass printed circuit boards *Commonly misquoted as the inventor of the first mass printed circuit boards.

“Chimps and humans have ninety nine point six percent of their active genes in common – So, what’s the harm in a little kiss?” – Carl Sagan

I'm Sorry Hoover and Hitler, Little Richard Ain't Home

“When I was a little girl, I used to love to play dress up.” – J. Edgar Hoover, on kids these days

“If I can make one suggestion: Less Jews.” – Adolf Hitler, from the first draft of Mein Kampf.

“White boys will break your heart.” – Little Richard, Perry Como

Happy Birthday Dr. Brachenbury

Anybody But Carter Or Robert Frost, Thought Houdini

“Put money in a bank – get interest, put money in a hoe – get a headache.” – Robert Frost

“I keep a loaded gun behind your ear.” – Harry Houdini

“Just Like Peace, Peanuts don’t grow on trees.” – Jimmy Carter

Bubble Baths, Disneyland And Cuddles: How To Ruin/Quell A Revolution

“More bubbles!” - Jean Paul Marat

“I’m Going to Disneyland.” – Booker T. Washington

“A Theatre of cuddles!” – Antonin Artaud *Biographers and historians have often attributed this change in thinking to Artaud's introduction to fabric softener

Liz Taylor Wonders? Who's Cuter: Billy The Kid Or Immanuel Kant?

“I’ve been very fortunate; perfect skin, natural beauty, voice of an angel, grace, poise, personality… what were we talking about? Oh yes, starving children… such a shame.”- Liz Taylor

"You're not here, I'm not here - This dress and frilly lace I'm wearing - Not here." Immanuel Kant

“Good for them.” – Billy The Kid, on the death of Billy The Kid

Angels Like It Crockett Style - They Do Not Like It In Their Mussolini

"Angels do it all day long" - Unknown stocky man in a stuffed overcoat

"I won't rest until there is a cougar in every pot, a coon over every head and a bear on each foot!" - Davey Crockett, taken from one of his earlier campaigns for a seat in congress

"Do as I say or I'll show your dog my penis." Benito Mussolini *The original phrasing has been lost to history but there is much speculation over the quality of Italian to English translators employed at that time. There is no speculation over their sense of humour.

Walt and Marie Both Agree: Nat Turner's Mum Bakes The Best Cookies

"I ain't afraid of no ghosts." - Nat Turner

"A horribly lisping duck with no pants on - no problem, a high pitched mouse with no pants on - everyone in the focus group has an erection." Walt Disney on Mickey's pants and the rise in confusing erections amongst focus groups

"I'll do it! I'll eat the fucking cake!" - Marie Antoinette

Walt Disney Snubs Jesus At His Own Party

"I'm sorry but this is a private Party." - James The Maitre'd to the patient Roman guards at the last supper

"I call him Shylock the money grubbing mouse sonofabitch!" - Walt Disney's angry early concepts

"Sorry Judas - we didn't know what flavor of ice cream you'd want so we just didn't get you any - you're not mad are you?" - Jesus Christ

A WARNING TO ALL FELLOW HUMANS AND BRIDGET BARDOT

In my time traveling attempts to pincer the truth from history - I've run into my fair share of enemies of free speech: long wordy letters from Greta Garbo, death scented candles from Mussolini, songs from Hank Williams Jr to name a few. Those fruitless challenges and mediocre attempts on my life have been met and matched. This time is quite different:

That unknown and mysterious insignia graced a small envelope that was mixed in with my bills and small lizard hobbyist magazines. I opened the envelope (July 12th, 1967 - a beautiful morning in Newark, New Jersey) and found it stuffed with what I can scientifically assume were mounds of androgenic hair. Thinking it a confusing mix up with someone's membership to a rather specific service provider and not my usual "How To Trick and Tease Your Gecko", I breathed a slow and powerful sigh of relief as I am custom to do, then this fell from the carefully made envelope:

He's back and there is no stopping him. If you have a time machine - use it now, if not... then soon.

Nixon Rollerblades To His Granny's For Sup Sup

“Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!” – Richard Nixon

“And I say Apples ain’t bitter enough!” – Granny Smith

“I love rollerblading.” – Unknown recently divorced male in his mid 40’s, circa 1996.

Kinsey Signs Patton's Chest As Billy Graham Squirms

“My favourite part is when it gets all sticky.” – Alfred Kinsey

“We had to push and kick and force our way into Germany, your mom was much easier.” – Gen. George S. Patton

"If I saw Jesus Christ today - I'd use my tongue." - Billy Graham

Errol Flynn Catches Rock Hudson Dipping Mr. Christie's Cookie

“The key to a successful marriage is separate vacations. I spend six months of the year in Thailand and the wife… her mother’s place or something like that.” – Rock Hudson

“If I had known poor people would be eating my confectioneries I’d have killed myself before the first cookie had cooled.” – Mr. Christie

“ Tennis! Tennis! Tennis! Mescaline, homoerotic doodling and a good half gallon of Vodka before breakfast.” Errol Flynn, on Preparing for a role or a day with the family

Hitler Asked Both Jack Lemmon And Gordie Howe To The Prom

“I don’t need to tell you this – you’re fat, ugly and anti-Semitic - who will dance with you?” – Hitler to his reflection.

“It is not hard out there for a pimp!” – Jack Lemmon

“I don’t think I’m the best that ever was – I just played a game I loved with all my heart. Remember me for that, and not for the brief time I was a communist.” – Gordie Howe

Clark Gable And Lincoln Wrestle Perks From The Duke... Unsuccessfully

“The secret to my smile? Percocet!” – Clark Gable

“Heads, Ford’s Theatre – Tails, I stay in and read.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I let my fists chose the scripts, scenes and girls. I expect all three to be able to take a punch.” – John Wayne

Mary Chose To Sit Between Ford And Liberace

“A car in every living room.” – Henry Ford, in response to the growing television “fad”

“You were an immaculate accident.” – Mary

“It’s done - I just need to add the sparkles.” – Liberace

St. Patrick's Eyes Don't Work Like They Used To; Everything Is Green

“Snakes… I HATE SNAKES!” – St. Patrick

“I got rid of all the snakes save that bitch over there!” – St. Patrick on Mrs. Patrick

“Fucking Green!” – St. Patrick at the moment of Epiphany

Anne Frank Bitches To Roosevelt And Ford About Her Mom

“Fuck mom! I said NO crust on my sandwich.” – Anne Frank

“If he wanted to live, that moose shouldn’t have made fun of my wife’s weight.” – Teddy Roosevelt

“Airplanes? Sounds Jewish.” – Henry Ford

Ghandi Locks Eyes With Siegfried At The Dalai Lama's House Party

“The world should know it sucks… That’s why I do what I do.” – Ghandi

“People are cool with one tiger… but when you start to own three or more – that’s when the name calling starts to get nasty.” – Siegfried, of Siegfried and Roy

“Meet a bitch's parents? I’d rather reach enlightenment all over again.” – Dalai Lama

Truman Capote Measures Himself By Richter's "Scale"

"I liked me better when I wasn't played by a bald, overweight, lisping Appalachian abortion." - Truman Capote on Capote

"I thought of it one day whislt sitting naked on an Ant hill." - Charles Richter on the develeopment of the Richter Magnitude Scale

"I usually write 20-30pgs every morning - Then I go and chop firewood shirtless." -Truman Capote

Reagan Talks Buffett Into Kissing Monet

“If you drink too much hot water in the shower you’ll get hiccups.” – Ronald Reagan

“Success? Three words: Cherry lip gloss.” – Warren Buffett

“It’s Manet!” – Monet

Hoover and Sagan "Eat" Apples With Magritte

“Over half the world wears frilly dresses, teddies and silk stockings – It would be queer if I didn’t.” – J. Edgar Hoover

“I’m Carl Sagan and I’m sleeping with your wife tonight.” – Carl Sagan

“What apples?” – Rene Magritte

Freud and Jack Lemmon Discuss God and the Keebler Elves

“Night after night -Twelve stout men wrestling in a bath house, all for my admiration as I sit on a thrown of bronzed young boys whilst sucking a pacifier; the only dream I could never fully understand.” - Sigmund Freud

“Don’t tell me they’re not real! A king’s ransom for the man who brings me the heads of the Keebler Elves.” – Mr. Christie


“Allah Sh’mallah.” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

Jesse James And God Enjoy Robert Ford Flavored Lollipops

“You can suck it for all I care.” – James Alexander Lollipop

“And once you’ve cocked the gun, all you gotta do is aim and pull the trigger.” – A foresightless Jesse James to the quick learner Robert Ford

“Someone should do something.” – God.

Shakes and Nostradamus Lose Everything To Cortes

“Step one, write plays – anyone’s plays will do. Step two, simply produce plays to great success. Step three, get rich - jewels and adorned exotic fabrics should suffice. Step four, have multiple affairs with anything that moves. Step five, don’t get plague. Step six, write about multiple affairs with anything that moves – suggestion: sonnets? Step seven, change a language by way of incorporating yours and your friends rambling incoherencies disguised as heightened language; Example: Durst – meaning: durst if I know. Step eight, can’t stress step five enough. Step nine, cheat death. Step ten, enjoy picnic with friends, eat and drink a whole bunch and go to bed early.” - William Shakespeare on achieving success.

“They’ll have all kinds of flavors. You can even mix them together in one 'cone'… I … I must rest now.” – Nostradamus on the All Mighty Baskin Robbins.

"Gold eh? I might be willing to trade... Or..." - Hernan Cortes

Ronald Reagan And Jack Lemmon Take In A Nervous Sartre

“The dangerous thing about autumn is that those leaves look so delicious… but you can’t eat too many or you’ll get sick.” - Ronald Reagan

“All I ever wanted to do was act, act and get away with killing someone… Anyone.” – Jack Lemmon

“That copy of filthy anal sluts 9 is mine.” – Jean Paul Sartre

Kevin Spacey Convinces Lyndon Johnson and Huxley to try A Brave New World

“Where have all the cowboys gone?” – Kevin Spacey

“I look back fondly on my time spent serving under him... He had a very cute butt.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

“Christianity without tears – that’s what mini skirts are.” – Aldous Huxley

July 16th 1969: Somone Up There Decides Never To Hit Their Wife Again

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK YESSSSSSS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I ain’t ever had this big an erection before and we’re not even a few miles outta the stratosphere thinking about all the pussy that’ll be waiting for me when I get back and how that bitch won’t be able to stop me from gobbling it all up because I’LL BE A HERO to millions of young breasts and firm thighs bobby cut Kennedy clones WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Am I glad Neil and the Queen said no to the extra beer MORE FOR ME and man does it ever taste good. This is what drinking beer was made for I’m pissed they made me turn off the Johnny Horton but fuckem’ they can’t take away my beer Only thing better than this would be a blow job from Ol’ Pink Pillbox herself as we push through the last of a bullshit atmosphere that keeps this shit eatin’ planet down. Not me man not me I’m up and gone! No sand, dirt, water, dog shit or wife.

I can look back now and never have to see her again, with the three of us heroes speeding up, I’ll never have to think about her goddamn mouth running or the way she throws the fucking kids in my face or the goddamn smell of the bathroom after she pushes me outta her. FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM BABY

Houston: (crackle) adjust aft thruster sevente/////(click)

Fuck off Houston don’t worry about it. You got the best of the best flying dick first into heaven – move over baby there’s a new God in town I’m trying to - but the G force is so great that I can’t quite raise my hand up high enough to flip all you off but I’m trying I’m tryyying BLACKOUT.

cocksukers…………cOCK sucking………… Stars.

Stars so many stars that flash of blue so blue why isn’t anyone else seeing this – goddamm – goddamm. Feel that? Anyone else feel that pull? Christ that push! Something is sucking at me something is sucking and pushing it’s pushing all my insides away I can feel it, it’s sucking it down – fell it fight its way from the back of my teeth nails scrapping down my throat cutting out my gums puncturing my lungs clawing at pink flesh twisting and twisting swallowing fluids acids blood screaming out from my bladder screaming out from my bowels dying carving its name in my veins dying at my feet AND now blue. And now black. How come no one told me bout’ this? I’m gunna’ tell everyone White and Black Things shine where they shouldn’t IT’S HUGE IT’S ALL SO HUGE Too big to keep looking this way I have to close my eyes just for a minute just for a minute just for a minute or I’M GOING TO PUKE I want something small I want something soft I need to touch something soft something soft and brown like her hair I miss her brown hair I’ll never let her dye it blonde. I wish she were here just for a minute just to stop everything from spinning to put a cool cloth on the back of my neck she smells so good when I’m sick I need her here to I don’t know I need her to do something she can’t cook – what would she cook? I just need her here to sit near me and be. She’s too far away to do anything for me and even if she were here what the fuck would she do what could she do? Goddamn I don’ t like it here. I don’t like it here without her. Nigger face stars keeping it so dark when I open my eyes I can’t see shit and I wanna’ just see her but BLACK won’t let me see past BLACK too little light that’s what’s the problem out here that’s what I don’t like it’s too dark BABY TURN ON THE LIGHT!

TURN ON THE LIGHTS BABY I NEED A CHANGE I ain’t yellin’ I ain’t yellin I ain’t angry I’m a changed man if you turn on the lights I’m a changed man CHANGED MAN no more going out no more running around, no more hitting smacking kicking no more cussing I’ll play with the kids stop saying they ain’t mine stop fucking your sister - I’ve been fucking your sister I won’t fuck her no more – I’m sorry – I won’t make love to her no more. I LOVE you I’m gunna start saying I love you going to start telling you every night before bed gunna tell the kids gunna tell the dog I love em’ tell my friends quit drinking no more beer except on Christmas and march madness wine on your birthday and Easter. TURN ON THE LIGHTS BABY I don’t like stars anymore I don’t like em’ they just stay there don’t do nothing and it’s so damn quiet I can hear my heart beat and it’s gross I wanna hear you pray I wanna’ hear you pray that I come back pray that the oxygen won’t mix that the parachute ain’t full of holes that the engineers didn’t miss ONE BOLT.

Pray that I’ll never leave you again

Please

SOMEONE PLAY SOME GODDAM FUCKING JOHNNY HORTON NOW BEFORE I LOSE MY BUZZ.

Crusoe Sulks As Madame Curie "Bakes" Cookies For Steve McQueen

"I'll never know why! Why doesn't anyone like my cookies?" - Marie Curie

"Milkmen make for terrible lovers; they come too early and spoil too soon." - Steve McQueen

"Where did you get that birthday cake?" - Robinson Crusoe to an Evasive Friday

Tony Curtis and Trudeau Stay In Reading RFK's Memoirs

“Do other actors have a fear of crinkling their crinoline right before a big dance?” – Tony Curtis

“Oh, I’ve dated my fair share of black girls. So yes, I connect with today’s youth.” – Pierre Trudeau

“The Cuban missile crisis will go down in history as the closest humanity has come to the edge of destroying herself – In hindsight, who would miss it? Aside from Chinese food, what would be missed? These thoughts (and Ethel's hands) keep me awake at night.” – RFK memoirs

Whistler's Mum Picasso'd Lincoln

"I painted clothes on her after heated public debate and media pressure." - James Whistler, on painting techniques forced on Whistler's Mother

"I can get everything right except for the breasts." - Picasso

"Four score and seven years ago yo' mama was so fat she used the Potomac as a bath tub and when she jumped in, the british jumped out... Also, she was ugly." - Abraham Lincoln

Elton John Wakes Up To Carl Sagan And Russian Lucy

“And then I thought, ‘Why not try this one a little gay?’ That’s when the rhinestones kicked in.” - Elton John

“Billions upon billions of germs washed away.” – Carl Sagan favors Listerine in the morning

“The Russians… The Russians? The Russians can suck my dick!” – Lucille Ball

Paul Simon and I After The Nuclear Holocaust Of Next Thursday

Written By An Angry Young Man In A Giant Rat Costume

After the explosion is finished I think I’ll take my rat costume off. I don’t need it, it’s not like I smell - I do smell, but not what you would think I smell like. Does pride have a smell? Yep.

I smell like pride and sweat and axe body deodorant spray and a thirty year old giant rat costume that was once worn by both Ted Bundy and Bon Jovi when they worked at XIXXXY XOXLD. I often tell pretty girls (and young mothers) that it’s Bon Jovi’s.

Children and dykes get Bundy. I guess after the atomic explosion is done and the blast radius kills off most THE FAGS DYKES NIGGERS SAND NIGGERS SPICS CHINKS INJUNS CRACKHEAD TEEN MOM FLATCHEST NOOBS SLUTS STEP DAD/MUM EX FATTERS CHRIST SUCKIN WHITE TRASH and PHONIES I’ll ride my bike-------------------------------- Drive my mom’s car------------------------------Drive.

Drive to Arizona and live in the Grand Canyon and spend my time between a lifetime vacation and day trips to Graceland.

I’d rather not be wearing my giant rat costume in Graceland – just in case Paul Simon is there.

Yeah.

Paul’d probably write a song about it all, about making it out of his fancy four million dollar white wash colonial home, leaving behind him his fancy hi def recording studio and his 3^rd comeback album. He’d take the demo to Cecilia 2 and his African drums with him DRIVING RIGHT BY his ex wife who left him to fuck Geddy Lee in the VIP Sauna at Elvis Costello’s Bris.

Paul would just be laughing and tapping out a beat on the gas pedal of his SEA FOAM Toyota Sienna brainstorming up a new song about the irony of it all NOT GIVING a fuck anymore about the meaning of the word irony because fuck it, he’d make up a new meaning. Something that has more to do with how small a dick Geddy Lee’s got and how his ex still begs him to let her come back and he just keeps on laughing and tapping out this new HOT beat and drives past her house while radiated ash ruins Geddy’s 86’ Twin Turbo IROC and full head of hair.

That would be the new meaning for irony he’d write the lyrics later, perhaps when he reaches Graceland and sees me in black jeans and a Genesis Tee and stops. Just STOPS. Surprised to see anther LIVING soul maybe a little scared because my head’s been freshly shaved, quickly becoming (self) conscious of his demo tape and African drums in the back seat but I’d say RELAX and he’d know. JUST know that I was cool and shit would be cool and that he could finally have someone to explain the NEW meaning of irony and I’d instantly understand and Paul would show me the drums – THE DEMO TAPE we listen to on Elvis’s HI FI system and write lyrics to “Irony” that afternoon, making time for Paul’s famous Breakfast Burritos (for dinner) and a night drive to my little spot in the Grand Canyon. On the way there we both get uncomfortable as a flash of my mum’s perfume just misses our noses. Her smell JUST out of reach as we drive faster. So, without invitation we start drinking in order to breathe it back.

Going 80, slinging BUD and talking about the Civil war, discussing Hitler, Who shot JFK? And Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid THINKING OUTLOUD what we would do if we were them. Crying a bit when we come to the same conclusion, making a silent vow to end it all together THE WAY BUDS SHOULD. Before falling asleep Paul sings a bit of Genesis – something the lawyers never let him do and we talk and we make promises about all the pussy we are going to bring back to the Grand Canyon THE VIEW the fucking view. I speak the last words before my first sleep under stars HOW ABOUT CALLING IT CECILIA --------- AGAIN?

SLEEP then there would be no more RASH BAD TEETH HEADACHES NOSE BLEED BLACKOUT MEDICINE DOCTOR BLOOD NURSE RATCHET CRY BABY TESTS NOTHING DARK NO MONSTERS XBOXLIVE COMMENTS TUCK IN CEMETARY NEIL DIAMOND RAT COSTUME PICTURE ALBUM SAD SONG BLACK PRIEST CONFUSED DOG FRIDAY. ONLY PAUL SIMON AFRICAN DRUMS GENESIS GRAND CANYON GRACELAND (maybe mom).

The stars. It would be a night where the stars were so many; up there without number or name like Paul and ME ALONE BUT ALIVE. Happy to be apart from all others and still shine brightest.

This. All this after the Atomic Blast and after I take off (or clean) the giant rat costume. Look for it:

Graceland. Arizona. POP. 2

Willy Loman Takes Advice from Bing Crosby and Teddy Roosevelt

“Let me be your teddy bear.” – Teddy Roosevelt's original campaign slogan

“The trick to good parenting isn’t how hard you hit them, or with what type of belt you hit them; it’s about who’s hitting them… the answer is you, bum bada bum bum (whistle).” – Bing Crosby

“Why not… it’s my birthday, I’ll take the nylon rope.” - Willy Loman

Tony Curtis and Voltaire Couldn't Party Like Philbin

“Get your own dry cleaning kit, trust me – you'll get tired of questions when you take those dresses in around midnight.” – Tony Curtis

“The center of the universe is this fucking party!” – Voltaire

“I love you fist deep!” – Regis Philbin Club 54

Carl Sagan, Voltaire and A Pint Of Ice Cream

“Then of course… I might be wrong. Not fucking likely, but you know – maybe.” – Carl Sagan

“Why is there anything… If I can’t get breakfast all day?” – Voltaire

“Just remember there are no answers at the bottom of the ice cream pale, just less ice cream… buy more ice cream.” – Ben (not Jerry)

Carl Sagan's Credit Is Better Than JFK's And Marilyn's

“Republican, Democrat - all their pussy looks the same.” JFK

“I’m Carl Sagan, put it on my credit card.” – Carl Sagan buying gas

“Joe gets more fan letters than I do, Tony Curtis writes him six times a week.” – Marilyn Monroe

The Night Einstein Woke Me Up To Go Get Whores With Ted Kennedy

I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT BUT THERE IT WAS THE DOORBELL
The fucking doorbell ringing at whatever time it was in the morning. I had just pulled myself into bed after a marathon of making love to my beautiful wife MXXXXXX who, like clockwork, was fast asleep the second after she came. Typical. I tried to shake her, pinch her and press into her but after that rigorous lovemaking how could she not be comatose. THE FUCKING DOORBELL would not stop ringing, at what I was sure to be an ungodly hour – Ferchrissakes it was even being held down and played to some rhythm, maybe an old Al Jolson song. I was pretty sure it was an Al Jolson song but it was late so who can blame me for being off on the tune. I tried shakin’ that beautiful wife of mine one more time, slapped her ass a bit and slyly grabbed at her crotch. Nothing. Tonight it was I being forced to go downstairs and slap the face off of whoever was waking me up at this, which was (I’m almost certain) and unholy hour. My house is a big house, I make a lot of money and I’m not afraid to buy the finer things in life for my family. I can’t tell you what I do but just know that’s it’s important and sexy as hell. No! I’m not a spy. But I am nimble, which is probably why it was so easy to jump down the giant oak staircase that is the centerpiece to my Monticello and grab one of the heavy ivory handled umbrellas (From Elvis) for self-defense. In case you’re wondering the umbrellas were a kind of I’m sorry present after his dogs threw up in my hot tub. I had it in my mind to use the three thousand dollar umbrella to bash in the christallfuckin’gad head of whoever was responsible for waking me out of my favourite dream. As an aside I was dreaming (without shame) about buying the first car I’ve always wanted; a 1956 Buick Le Sabre with white walls and automatic transmission, air cruise option and my fourth grade music teacher in the driver seat. THE FUCKER WAS STILL RINGING THE BELL! As my right hand - my strong hand gripped at the large crystal handle of my thirteen foot gold leaf door, I thought of my gorgeous wife asleep with half a pint of me in her, and my kids who are on the honor role at the private school that I PAID FOR with MY MONEY given to me for doing a job that’s too important to even tell you. A primal instinct long dormant arose to its peak. I turned that handle and pulled. Tonight was the night I would kill, I WOULD KILL WHOEVER DARED TO WALK MY LAND WHOEve…
Einstein.
Goddam Einstein. Drunk, covered in the tattered rags of pre war sweaters slurring in that damn funny accent of his estimating my mass unzipping his pants.
“Watch out I gotta’ piss.”
I moved out of the way just in time to see that dirty old man whip out a cold calculating dick and piss all over my HEATED CHINESE CERAMIC TILED FLOOR. His hair was a mess, as usual, he smelled like dogs and gin and for the two solid minutes it took me to convince myself I was awake and that this was happening he would not stop pissing on my floor.
“Guess where I’ve been?” He said as he dabbed the head of his penis on his undershirt.
“The kennel.”
“Those fuckers… not after last time. GuesswhereI’veBeen?”
“Get the hell outta here! It’s three am.”
“It’s 2:48.”
“Go home. You’re drunk and you smell. Here, let me call you a cab.”
“Fuck off, I don’twannafuckin’… Cab?”
“Yeah you do. GET OUTTA HERE! You ain’t coming in.”
I struggled with the old genius, he was and always has been a surprisingly strong drunk so I really was at a disadvantage and needed to, I stress this - I needed to stop him or he would have come in and woke everyone, everything I have worked for UP. Just as he was charging to take a run - if you’re ever been drinking with Al you know what kind of trouble I was trying to stop – I jammed the ivory handle up into his throat.
“Faaughhhhhuck!”
I don’t feel bad about it, it needed to be done he was trying to trespass. This was my house, my GODDAMhouse with my perfect wife and perfect kids; even my dog had promise. I was not going to let this drunken scientist come in and what? Try and rape my wife? THE COCKSUCKER! I hit him again for me even thinking of the idea. He started to cough up a bit of blood right about when Ted “I Thought She Was 17” Kennedy tackled me down, cracking several of the HEATED CHINESE CERMAIC TILES.
“Get off get off GETOFF!”
“I’ll keel you fer dat, nobody touches MAH BUHDY.”
Ted had been “parking” his car on my neighbor’s lawn when he caught a glimpse of three thousand dollar’s worth of Ivory smack into his drinking bud’s turkey neck. We started wrestling on the floor and though I am proud of my body (it is, without exaggeration, truly something to be proud of) I was no match for all that goddamn Ivy League football shit. I got to my feet just before he tackled me into a bust of Liberace (a gift) and I fell back with what was left of the air in my lungs forced out, confused and looking at me gasping on the ground. Ted was huffing and puffing and his big fat Irish face was turning all kinds of red. I saw that he was coming over to start kicking at my ribs (The Kennedy classic), when I remembered a trick some girl from Michigan had taught me after I said she looked like a dyke in plaid. Just as he loomed over me in his big ‘I’m going to get the black vote stance’, I kicked him as hard as I could in the jewels. Right square in the jewels and lemme’ tell you. Aside from having sex with my gorgeous wife, picking up my kids from school and watching COLOR TV – there is nothing I like or enjoy more than kicking a big guy – especially a Kennedy – Right Square in the Jewels. He let out a big Irish grunt and said something about my mother then collapsed, crushing Al as he tried to regain his posture. We were all on the floor heaving and wheezing, three geniuses in our own right as weak as we were born. Ted threw up and then started to sing an old Irish tune. I would never say this in front of his family, but Teddy has a beautiful voice. Al Spoke first, which surprised me.
“Get dressed.”
“No.”
“We’re going out for whores.”
Ted got himself up and looked at me with a huge cunt hungry grin. In the dead light of my front hall he looked a little cross-eyed.
“He’s a feisty one, kicked me in the nuts.”
“You kicked Teddy boy in the balls?”
“The jewels, and yeah I did… HE TACKLED ME!”
“It’s an auld Harvahd Jowke. I’s thawt you sid he wint ta Harvahd.”
“I didn’t go to Harvard. “
“Thank Fecking Gawhd, Want Happun agin pal. The ferst whore’son me.”
“I don’t want a whore.”
For the first time since I opened the door a silence fell upon my house that would make the cosmos crack. God stopped masturbating life into every corner the universe and looked back in awe of his creations. Bukowski woke up from a cold sweat and vomited blood. That last one may not be related to this specific event. The two looked dumbfounded but I could see that Al was calculating, cooking up a hypothetical reason for why I didn’t want to get a whore. As he twisted his face and stuck out his tongue I could tell he was stumped.
“You’re a fucking liar, of course you wanta’ whore, Ted’s dad is paying for it.”
“Yeah.” I could hear Ted pissing in his pants.
“I don’t want a whore, I want to sleep.”
Al was going at it again, trying to put it into an equation that he could understand; Nice house+wife+kids+dog+47.5 years – FUN + separate accounts= Whores!
“Come on we’ll take care of it.”
“I said No.”
“Whadsa mahtar? How cames he dan’t wanna whoooore?”
“He wants one he wants one, you want one right?”
“NO WHORES!”
“Yu’se summa kindah fagit?” Ted cocked his fist, each knuckle looked like a little honey-baked ham.
“I’m not a faggot.”
“Good, Then let’s go get some whores!”
“Shhh.”
“Is it your wife? You’re afraid-listen we’ll keep it quiet we don’t have to bring em’ here we can bring them to Ted’s place.” Ted shook his head and pointed to no direction in particular save the horizon.
“We’ll take em’ to Bobby’s then. What do ya say? You like Bobby.” I did.
“Get the fuck outta here I ain’t going with you to go get whores at four in the morning.”
“It’s 3:08”
“Fuck off Al, I ain’t going with you. Get outta’ here before you wake my
Family up.”
“Faggit.”
“Fagut.”
They left me standing there in a very expensive terry cloth robe with vomit and blood on cracked HEATED CHINESE CERAMIC TILES as they piled into Ted’s “parked” car and drove off to what I can only expect would be another boy’s night out without me.
I checked around my front lawn to see if they damaged any of the azaleas or geraniums, or if they left anyone behind. Nothing. I had won, and so I looked out unto my quiet gated community, my kingdom and my heaven and searched for the plume of twilight air. I found it on my front porch, how sweet it was, how sweet the air was behind a gated community. How beautiful the crafted peace was, how radiant the lack of energy was – For this instance I finally felt like I was a part of a universe, not just as a grain of sand but also as a working cog in a greater machine. I’ll admit it. I cried a little as I watched Ted Kennedy and Albert Einstein “drive” away looking for whores at five in the morning.
Pulling the door shut and leaving it unlocked, I let go another little tear. I was walking up my big oak staircase bought with my own money, passing by my sleeping kids, getting an erection at the thought of their bright futures and slipping into the warm bed beside my faithful wife; slowly playing with her breasts until I fell asleep. I was truly alive.

This is what the politicians and the geniuses oftentimes forget ; the simple things are all that matter.

- Art.

Washington Convinces Margaret Thatcher To Test Edison's Golry Hole

“We all agreed that ‘Mr. President’ sounds better than ‘free pussy for life’.” – George Washington

“Daddy’s home.” – Margaret Thatcher

"I present my latest invention: The Glory Hole." - Thomas Edison

Joe And Monroe Spend Valentine's Day With Frank And A Depressed Jackie O

“Oh yeah? What team does Arthur Miller play for?” - Joe DiMaggio

“She’s alright for a fat chick.” – Frank Sinatra on Jackie Kennedy

“Joe liked it when I wore a Chicago jersey, Artie liked it when I wore blank paper, Johnny liked it when I wore red and Tony Curtis liked it when I wore his dresses.” – Marilyn Monroe.

Orson Welles Directs Bukowski To Mr. Bond

“I’ve never wrote a piece of fiction in my life; James Bond is a real person who must be stopped. Why don’t people understand this serious problem?” - Ian Fleming

“It only hurts the first time.” – Orson Welles on “Acting”

“I’m currently writing a kid’s book about happy jumping puppies… Robert Crumb said he’ll draw them as giant cocks for half price. I told him I could just cum between the pages for free.” - Charles Bukowski

Chaucer Played With Sharks At Pearl Harbour

“I have no regrets.” Unknown Man with Shark bite to groin.

“Ain’t nothing getting finished until I get that check baby.” – Chaucer

“Five more minutes, just let me sleep for five more minutes.” – Unknown Pearl Harbor Sentry

Hitler and Tom Clancy Discuss The Titanic

“I wear a size twelve… Why are you sniggering?” – Adolf Hitler

“If I wasn’t writing about espionage and the military, I’d be chronically masturbating… Hmmm.” – Tom Clancy

“Port is left, STARBOARD is right Goddammit!” – Capt. Smith, HMS Titanic

Ian Fleming Wrote For Ted Bundy and Bing Crosby

“Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was also based on real events. I’ve never… ever been as happy as I was that week.” – Ian Fleming.

“Black Lab puppies are my favourite… They taste great.” – Ted Bundy

“Three kilos and two dead hookers later, out came White Christmas.” – Bing Crosby

Rock Hudson and JFK Golfed With Manson

“The trick is to line it up with the back nine then wait for the wind to change – feel for the moment and just follow through, always follow through.” - Charles Manson.

“I can bench press two… no! Three men at once.” Rock Hudson.

“Of course I feel bad about Cuba, just look at this erection – this is a sad erection.” - JFK.

Chaucer and Churchill Waiting For The Tide

“Closer…That’s it…Closer, you son of a bitch… closer.” – The Beach To The Tide.

“Lady Astor: If you were my husband I’d poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: You are a fat old cunt who I wish were dead or dying.” – Winston Churchill, sans propaganda.

“And I’ll call it ‘The Canterbury Tails’, a sex filled romp through England.” – Chaucer.

At Kitty Hawk, Pres. Truman Stole Darwin's Wallet

“If man was meant to fly he would have wings on his back and fireworks up his ass…and maybe some kind of aerodynamic vessel in which to propel himself and a highly trained international crew, powered by…oh, large cylinders of combustive fuel that would give enough propulsion to surpass the earth’s atmosphere, sufficiently breaching the earth’ s gravitational pull and send the “rocket” ship within landing distance of the closest heavenly body…what’s it called? Ah yes, the moon! HA, I’d sooner vote for Taft than believe that possible.” – Unknown spectator at the Wright Brothers flight demonstration at Kitty Hawk NC.

“Tickle him, and if that doesn’t work tickle him some more, we need those damn equations.”- President Truman in regards to a defiant, yet unfortunately ticklish Einstein.

“Well, it didn’t just get up and walk away… did it?” – Darwin, pondering the evolution of his missing wallet.

Thatcher and Ted Hughes Read Anne Landers

“Use milk instead of water, and double the cocoa powder - trust me... That’ll get rid of the blacks.” - Margaret Thatcher

“Fuck em’ young blood should have kept their mouths shut, don’t do nuttin’ unless you ready to be sumtin!” - Anne Landers to Reader’s Digest Editor Carrol Winters. August 1975 at Lake Tahoe. 3pm. Six Bellinis Deep.

“You can hiss all you want from in there, I’m not coming in that kitchen.” – Ted Hughes

Kissinger and Yo Mama'

“Chickens don’t exist. There, now I’ve said something crazy let us continue with negotiations…” – Henry Kissinger.

“I’ll do it. But I want more money.” – A Young Mother Theresa.

“I hate children.” – Your Mother At Age(s) 17, 20, 23, 27-54.

Plath and Dali Read Seuss Before Bed

“Bi Polar? Sounds like something Ted and his ‘friends’ would like.” – Sylvia Plath.

“And the fucking thing was on fire… Yes on fire! Here I’ll show you.” – Salvidor Dali explaining a rather adventurous Safari trip.

“This oughtta' confuse the little SOB’s” – Dr. Seuss.

IBM swings With Keller

“BUY IBM BUY IBM” – Overheard comment from an unidentified man in an aluminum suit and helmet carrying a vast assortment of misdated books and charts, 1952.

“We should probably just be friends.” – The Swing (The slutty one).

“If you ain’t got anything good to say, then don’t say anything at all... Also, I'm pro segregation.” Helen Keller.

Anne Is Quiet, Crusoe Wants It Bad, Mensa Knows

“Happy Valentine’s day… Now you say it.” – Robinson Crusoe to an increasingly Naïve Friday

“We should all just get naked and try out some new ideas… who thinks pizza with grapes is a bad idea?” – Stolen from the minutes of a Mensa meeting.


“I choose Dare.” Anne Frank

Wu Tang on the mount w/ Crichton's Cat

“Back in Fifteen. Relax, they said they’d be back in fifteen.” - Schrodinger’s Cat.

“Step one: write a bunch of nonsense about Dinosaurs. Step two: Be 6’9’’. Step Three: Sit back and count money.” - Michael Crichton

“WU-TANG!” – Moses

bOUNCIN' With Chaucer

“…” - Paul Revere.

“Pussy.” – The weak branch at the top of the tree.

“Canterbury is the type of place where you can get your dick sucked for a poem.” – Geoffrey Chaucer.