Tolkien and Carter Agree: No Lemmon's In Their House

“Keeping a secret is expensive.” – JRR Tolkien, on the necessity of his trilogy

“Peanuts and politics go hand in hand, they both start from the ground up, they got a tough shell with a nutty reward, they fit in your pocket; they get stuck in your teeth, ruin your marriage, make you rich… You eat them… Peanuts are great… This isn’t my iced tea.” – Jimmy Carter

“What’s wrong with the back of the bus?” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

Tony Curtis and Nixon Watch Julia Child Bake Her Life Away

"I am woman here me roar in numbers too big to ignore (Expletives and gestures removed)." - Tony Curtis

"Ginger and Nutmeg - fresh - whole cream, skim milk, cocoa, naplam and good friends." - Richard Nixon

"Give me a quart of tequila, a wooden spoon and three hours and you'll have one drunk cake on your hands. Can I stay on your couch?" - Julia Child

Redd Foxx Beat Elvis To Your Momma

"The worst birthday I ever had?... Yours." - Your Mother.

"Go ahead and call the cops but I'm still gunna sing about having sex with teenagers." - Elvis Presley

"They kept saying put on pants, and I kept saying fuck off!" - Redd Foxx

Breasts, Generals and Birds By JRR Tolkien

"Go home Tim Robbins, you're drunk." - Sigourney Weaver

"The Hobbit." - George S. Patton

"I drew birds all my life because I'm terrible at drawing breasts." - John James Audubon

Jesus Is Big Right Now, James Cameron Big

“It’s a red keychain with a picture of me in white… If you find it let me know and I’ll come back and get it.” - Jesus “Come again?” Christ

“And then I was all like, ‘Kingdom of Heaven? Why not.” – Jesus “Easter Jones” Christ

“Nuff’ said.” – Jesus “Rise'm and Leave'm” Christ

Big Foot And Plato Show Up And Leave The Last Supper Hungry

"Mmm... Ciabatta." - The Apostle Mark at the last supper

"These aren't my socks." - Big Foot

"First we wrestle naked then we philosophize... and if there's time we'll cuddle." - Plato

Bob Hope And Custer Tease Shulz Until He Cries Money

“I want my life back.” – Charles M. "Sparky" Shulz

“When's passover this year?” – Bob Hope

“Fuck those guys.” – George Armstrong Custer

Julia Child And Jesus Christ, Alone At Last

“When no one is looking, I spit in it. I hate my life.” – Julia Child

“Catholics do it all Sunday long.” – Pope John Paul Yo’ Mama!

“This whole thing will blow over in a couple weeks.” – Unknown Roman guard, Sunday before the first Easter

Bardot's In Heat And Leonard Cohen Reads Bronte

“I’m gently realizing just how terrible I am.” – Emily Bronte

“I went to a camp for it.” – Brigitte Bardot

“Why would I ask how old she was?” – Leonard Cohen

Shel Silverstein Drinks Palmers And Dreams Of Pete Rose

“Just give me six daiquiris and a seat facing the sun.” – Arnold Palmer

“Put fourteen thousand on the Cardinals… I’m sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.” – Pete Rose

“Is your mom or dad home?” – Shel Silverstein

Buster Keaton And Capone's Ghost Ruin John Wayne's Party... Again

“I bet you keep your fists in your pockets – Commie.” – John Wayne

“When I’m not falling down I like to hunt men.” – Buster Keaton

“File your taxes… or don’t, either way you’ll end up with syphilis.” – Al Capone

History's F-Buddies: A Compendium

"Charisma." - Pierre Trudeau, on how to shock Canadian voters

"Even though you want to, even though you think it right, even though the whole world will be watching - Do not whip it out." - Bill Clinton, on his "Saxophone"

"Peanuts are like French girls, you can whistle at them all you want but all's they gunna' do is speak French." - Jimmy Carter

Fred And Ginger in "Achtung Jack Lemmon"

“The best Christmas I ever had was when I got my first pair of tap shoes.” – Fred Astaire

“What Holocaust?” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

“The worst Christmas I ever had was when Fred got his first pair of tap shoes… that and every Christmas with Howard Hughes. ” – Ginger Rogers

A Pyrrhic Victory Between Oscar Wilde, Milton and an Expensive Brunch Bill

“I guess we got a little carried away.” – King Pyrrhus of Epirus

“Pink for little girls, blue for boys and black lace for me.” – Oscar Wilde

“Pan-sexual angels? Yes Please!” – John Milton

The Future Holds Kissable Chimps And Micro Tampons

“Your wife is a slut.” – Man From The Future

“One must worry constantly, sometimes never sleep. That is how quality is controlled.” – Jason Alexander Maxi-Pad Tampon, original developer of the first mass printed circuit boards *Commonly misquoted as the inventor of the first mass printed circuit boards.

“Chimps and humans have ninety nine point six percent of their active genes in common – So, what’s the harm in a little kiss?” – Carl Sagan

I'm Sorry Hoover and Hitler, Little Richard Ain't Home

“When I was a little girl, I used to love to play dress up.” – J. Edgar Hoover, on kids these days

“If I can make one suggestion: Less Jews.” – Adolf Hitler, from the first draft of Mein Kampf.

“White boys will break your heart.” – Little Richard, Perry Como

Happy Birthday Dr. Brachenbury

Anybody But Carter Or Robert Frost, Thought Houdini

“Put money in a bank – get interest, put money in a hoe – get a headache.” – Robert Frost

“I keep a loaded gun behind your ear.” – Harry Houdini

“Just Like Peace, Peanuts don’t grow on trees.” – Jimmy Carter

Bubble Baths, Disneyland And Cuddles: How To Ruin/Quell A Revolution

“More bubbles!” - Jean Paul Marat

“I’m Going to Disneyland.” – Booker T. Washington

“A Theatre of cuddles!” – Antonin Artaud *Biographers and historians have often attributed this change in thinking to Artaud's introduction to fabric softener

Liz Taylor Wonders? Who's Cuter: Billy The Kid Or Immanuel Kant?

“I’ve been very fortunate; perfect skin, natural beauty, voice of an angel, grace, poise, personality… what were we talking about? Oh yes, starving children… such a shame.”- Liz Taylor

"You're not here, I'm not here - This dress and frilly lace I'm wearing - Not here." Immanuel Kant

“Good for them.” – Billy The Kid, on the death of Billy The Kid