Blind Love, Blind Faith And Mickey Rooney Yelling

“All anyone needs is a kind woman with Jesus in her heart and a beautiful bumpy face.” – Louis Braille

“I don’t need you, I DON’T NEED ANYONE! What I do need is another fifteen pounds of make up and six ounces of gin and a script for fifty years ago – quit crying, I ain’t shooting at you.” - Mickey Rooney

“Bangs or… no bangs.” – Samson

The Donners Are Throwing A Party? Y'all In?

“I’ve felt fat this whole voyage.” – Christopher Columbus

“The groundhog said another six weeks – it’s been five, so let’s keep marching.” – George Donner

“The most dangerous men are the ones who refuse to stay bottomed.” – Merv Griffin

This Is Why Merv Griffin Is Outlawed

“Everybody knows Bronson was the spic Marlon Brando.” – The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon

“Did you hear the one about the chicken crossing the road? No? Then I guess it never happened.” – Immanuel Kant

“The money, the keys and your jacket – NOW!” – Merv Griffin

Philosophy: Not Even Once

“The way I see it, unless she says no – it’s yes.” – Socrates

“When I was young and liked a girl, you’d give her a bouquet of peanuts and she knew how you felt – Nowadays, kids have e-mail phones, sext messages and friends… Call me old fashioned but maybe it’s time to bring back the bouquet of peanuts.” – Jimmy Carter

“Wanna’ hertz donut?” – Confucius

John Daly And George Jones Drink Till They See Geronimo

“The house always wins.” – Geronimo

“Eight inches may not seem like a lot but when it’s your asshole you make the putt.” – John Daly

“I’ll drink when I’m ready-I'm ready!” – George Jones

Escher Holds Pencils, Fitzgerald And Willie Nelson Hold Hands

“When I'm bad Zelda punishes me by killing off a major character... Poor Gatsby, if Hemingway hadn't brought that Moroccan boy over you'd still be alive.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

”Dear IRS, I am ready to pay my taxes now. Where would you like me to send a check? Have you any room up your ass?” – Willie Nelson

“Nobody buys my portraits of famous dogs in nazi uniforms.” – M.C. Escher

Dancing With The Stars... And One Former Surgeon General

“If you’re going to stay up all night – grab some mountain dew.” – Confucius

“Legion halls are the only safe place to get drunk and play musical chairs.” – Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

"I like it, don't get me wrong I like it - but can we try it without your finger in my ass." – Dick Clark, on learning ‘The Hustle’ from Stevie Wonder

Lincoln, Ty Cobb And Kissinger: Deadlocked Beauty Pagent

“I like negroes – I like em’ ten, twenty yards away from me.” – Ty Cobb

“Not only will I win, I’ll win with a goofy beard and a top hat to boot.” – Abraham Lincoln, two years before his candidacy for president of the United States of America – five years before it became marketable – six years before people were saying that they were doing it before Lincoln – twelve years before it became iconic – 145 years before it would become ironic.

“I laughed loudest.” – Henry Kissinger on his Nobel Peace prize

Roosevelt, Dickens And Confucius = Best Summer Ever!

“I think we can all agree it’s time for the world to start dancing again - Not me of course.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Instead of writing I've decided to pick up the guitar and grow my hair long... Who would care?" – Charles Dickens

“The man who writes more than a couple Haikus in his lifetime is a virgin.” – Confucius

Oscar Wilde, Jefferson Davis Or Richard Simmons: Who's The Cutest?

“I say we put it to a vote: All those opposed to Slavery, raise your shackled arms.” – Jefferson Davis

“If you think Homosexuality is a sin, try it with maple syrup (inaudible giggles).” – Oscar Wilde

“You pray to a god that does not look but laughs at your face.” – Richard Simmons

Kafka And Burton Push A Young Art Garfunkel Too Far

“Here, drink this Gin – you look thin.” – Richard Burton

“Big butts, sex on the beach and colored girls.” – Art Garfunkel, on early inspiration

"The gun is for my sinuses." - Franz Kafka

The Great Orator: Richard Simmons

“Danger, unlike air - must be lived in order to breathe.” – Richard Simmons

“My God you’re beautiful!” – Diane Arbus, on unique lying and magic words

“I have no fucking idea.” – Charles Darwin.

The 100th Post Sylvia Plath Spectacular

“Our electric bills will get too high Ted, (to the salesman) we’ll take the gas one in blue… no black.” – Sylvia Plath.

“Newspapers are the diarrhea of the printed word… And I my friends aim to be the biggest anus of them all.” – A young Rupert Murdoch

“No, you’re not doing it right – you have to be more gentle, like this… this is how you tickle.” – Robinson Crusoe To A Skeptical Friday

Inner City Violence, BBQ's And Some Light Reading

“What it is young blood?” – Lucille Ball

“I call it 'Chauce Sauce' – it’ll revolutionize outdoor grilling. “ – Chaucer

“Today is a good day to die!” - Richard Simmons

Happy Birthday Magritte, Crusoe and Chaucer! Now Please Stop Kissing

“Did you know this stuff is worth millions?” – Rene Magritte, on Granny Smith apples

“The red lipstick - Because it’s my birthday and I want you to look nice.” – Robinson Crusoe to an incurious Friday

“I’m sorry - did you father English literature? No? Well then I guess you better keep sucking.” – Geoffrey Chaucer

Jesus Christ These Eclairs Are Racist

“Elizabeth, I'm coming to join ya!” – Jesus Christ

"If my enemy is my friend then I guess that means chocolate eclairs and my thighs are getting married this summer."- Richard Simmons

"I'm a twelve time NBA all star - you don't have to tell me my eyes are petty, I already know. " - Larry Bird

Bob Hope And Andre Breton Agree: Salman Rushdie Looks Funny

“Meow, I’m a plane.” - Andre Breton

“Keep reading the book.” – Salman Rushdie

“I’ll die the way I lived, with a gun in my mouth and twelve Jewish writers in my pocket.” – Bob Hope

Fantasy, Philosophy And Abnormal Genitals

“But where does it go after I flush it?” – Hegel

“Three tabs of Mescaline later out shat Bilbo Baggins.” – JRR Tolkien

“I don’t like kids - they always laugh at my genitals.” – Unknown, Milton Berle.

Momma's Gotta Read

“Tuesdays With Morrie = Money, The Five People You Meet In Heaven = Pussy; (Insert book) = Money for pussy.” – Mitch Albom, on writer’s block

“The angels did it.” – Dan Brown

“I sleep on a bed of your mother’s money.” – Danielle Steel

Crosby, Peck And Lamentably Jack Lemmon

“If I could have one wish, one little wish – I’d bring back Malcolm X and ignore him all over again.” – The always controversial Jack Lemmon

“What do you mean Sipowicz got her pregnant?” – Gregory Peck, retirement and NYPD Blue: a deadly cocktail. *Thanks SB

“Short back and sides but leave the moustache, that's where I keep Stevie Nicks.” – David Crosby

Ty Cobb Ain't Liked Much Round' These Parts

“Just swing at it. If you miss – go home and fuck your wife (or someone’s) and count your money. Baseball!” – Babe Ruth

“Mantle said that? Man, he can stick it up his ass – drunk motherfucker.” – Jackie Robinson

“It’s just me against the world and the world is full of niggers.” – Ty Cobb

Flynn, Roosevelt and Como = Best Stag Ever

“No no, I’m pretty sure you said eighteen.” – Errol Flynn

“My house - 4 O’Clock, bring gin but leave the boys at home.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Say it loud – I’m black and I’m proud.” – Perry Como