Peanuts, A Penis and Ben Franklin On MDMA

"Don't worry we'll sit and talk about peanuts after you agree Israel exists." - Jimmy Carter

"I'm going to show you my penis and you're going to like it." - The man in the mirror

"Give me Liberty or give me a handful of that fucking cake!" - Ben Franklin

Money Science Sex Magic

"Try something new - everyday. Just don't tell the wife ; )" - Alfred Kinsey

"Oh magic Genie of the lamp my second wish is... Herod's wife." - Jesus Christ

"Rubbing two dollars together does not make four - but it does make other people uncomfortable on the train if you do it fast enough." - Unknown

WWJW: What Would Jesus Wish?

"If you're holding out for a better man... I wouldn't." - Richard Nixon

"Oh magic Genie of the lamp my first wish is... A solid gold robe." - Jesus Christ

"Hawwwwwwwwwt Sauce or Hot sauce, it doesn't matter - just put it on." - Martin Luther King Jr.

One Chimp, Equation And Jerk To Rule Them All

"My murder falcon thinks I'm funny." - Genghis Khan

"Being a man takes guts, grit and the nerve to stand up and say E=MC2, even if you know it's all bullshit." - Albert Einstein

"Never ones to gossip the Gombe Chimpanzees respectfully decline or tactfully change subject whenever Bonobo Chimpanzees are brought up in conversation." - Jane Goodall

Words, Weapons and Broken Chimp Hearts

"Butts butts I like butts... This isn't what I wrote." - T.S. Eliot

"Golfing, falconry and some light mutilation - Hobbies keep you young." - Genghis Khan

"The Gombe chimpanzees knew that chad wasn't right for me but thought it best to let me discover the truth rather than poke their nose in my private life. " - Jane Goodall

Gilbert And Sullivan Can Suck It

“Hum what you know.” – W. S. Gilbert

“…If that fails, buy it from a china man and call it a day.” – Arthur Sullivan

“The Gombe chimpanzees were there at nine in the morning with a van, a dolly and a case of beer.” – Jane Goodall

Inventors And Chimps Kiss The Same

“Here’s an idea, fuck off!” – Thomas Edison

“It makes bread, heats water, immunizes infants and fools around with Edison’s wife.” – Nikola Tesla

“They RSVP’d the next day and almost every one of the Gombe chimpanzees has bought something on the registry.” – Jane Goodall

Lincoln, Goodall And Roosevelt = Another Drink Please

“I never thought I’d be the one to tell you this but you have a stupid hat.” – Abraham Lincoln, to his reflection

“Although they didn’t like the play, all the Gombe Chimpanzees agreed that it was nice to get out for a night.” – Jane Goodall

“It doesn’t matter what size the bear is, I only brought one dress and I’ll be damned if that bear isn’t going to wear it.” – Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

Everest, Chimps or Salted Nuts: Life Decisions

“All men are like peanuts, when you crack their shells they’ll show you their nuts… Unless they’re salted and shelled… In that case you’ll have to pay more… It’s a navy blue Lexus.” – Jimmy Carter

“I don’t know what’s more terrifying – Climbing Mt. Everest or telling that Sherpa how I really feel.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

“The Gombe Chimpanzees have no love for Phil Collins – but seem to respect his body of work and contribution to music.” – Jane Goodall

Kidney Stones Go To Hell Through Your Urethra

"It's like having your child ripped from your womb... only your child is a griffin with huge terrifying talons." - Lucille Ball on Kidney Stones

"Father, why have you forsaken me?" - Jesus Christ on Kidney Stones

"I'd rather give women the vote... They did what?" - The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon on Kidney Stones

The Boys Are Back In Town... They're Pissed

“I’ll dance for you today but I’ll have my bloody revenge tomorrow.” – Gene Kelly

“I dream of power and glory but wake to mirrors and cold truth; All is not fair and not all are fair.” – Richard Simmons

“Do Lewis and Clark plan to hold hands the entire expedition?” – Thomas Jefferson

Lewis And Clark Love Their Little Trips Overseas

“What did that bitch say?” – Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots

“It is my will that no living person of my kingdom or regency narrate a single nature documentary.” – The Mad King George III of The United Kingdom

“We shall kiss when we reach the Pacific Ocean and not a river sooner.” – Meriwether Lewis And William Clark

Why I Hate Late Medieval Russia, Tony Curtis And Susan B. Anthony

“If I told you – you had a beautiful body would you let me try on that chiffon dress.” – Tony Curtis

“Stick and stones may break my bones but at least I’m not one of your whores.” – Susan B. Anthony

“Where did I put those pikes? This happens every time I have fresh severed heads.” – Ivan The Terrible (if not somewhat forgetful)

A Queen, A General and A Stereotype Made Delicious

“Today is the day we beat back the Spanish and crush them beneath our steel – The kissing contest has been moved to Tuesday.” – Queen Elizabeth I of England

“I’m drunk… are you drunk? Good – CHARGE!” – George Armstrong Custer

“Raccoon, ancient spells... some basil.” – Chef Boyardee, Last Words.

Muppets, Fried Chicken And Infectious Enlightenment

“Fire… only fire can kill them.” – Jim Henson, last words.

“I was near death, with doctors saying that I wouldn’t make it through the month – and then I thought, ‘Hey, why don’t I sell my fried chicken instead of just eating it all to myself.” – Colonel Sanders

“If I wasn’t reaching enlightenment I’d be reaching for some dice, three fingers of scotch and your skirt.” – Dalai Lama

Jerry Garcia, King Louis And A Stone Cold Prick

“Barbeque chips and semen - God how I loved the summer of 67” – Jerry Garcia

“I’ve always liked the way it looks especially when its wet.” – Michelangelo

“I think the world can all agree on how great my wife’s cake tastes – What’s all that noise outside?” – King Louis XVI

Motorhead, Kites And Foreign Jello

“The wind is too strong to fly a kite today.” – Surgeon General C. Everett Koop

“It would be easier to share jello recipes if they all spoke english.” – Nancy Reagan, on foreign policy

“I don't care if they send me to my room, or ground me for a few weeks - Heck, they can ground me for the entire term - Motorhead is for life!” – George Bush Jr

American Heroes And Legends... Some Graphic Sex

“This pocket has apple seeds and this pocket… Cocaine and doodles of a naked Mary Todd Lincoln.” – Johnny Appleseed

“Black chicks man, black chicks.” – King Henry VIII

“The sword is sharp but the feather tickles.” – Richard Simmons

The Room Would Smell Awful

“Even If I had twenty midgets for every one of your freckles I wouldn’t trade you.” – George Bernard Shaw

“What me worry?” – Leon Trotsky

“I know a great little place where we can go philosophize for a bit... bring a blanket and some wine - and wash your hands.” - Socrates