Music, Dancing, And Mark Twain's Penis

"And so I said 'Madame, I'm sure that if it wasn't for the cold water I'd display for you a larger reception', that was the last time I showed my penis in public your honor." - Mark Twain

"Dancing? No, I don't think it will catch on here in America." - Richard Nixon

"I call it Jazz." - Mozart

Togas, Khans And A SkateBoard Universe

"Toga day. I hate toga day." - Plato

"I'll have 4 horses, two pigs, three severed heads, a half dozen women and a diet coke. Just kidding - a bucket of frothy blood please." - Genghis Khan

"Heliocentrism is cool but skateboards are cooler - watch me ollie this globe." - Nicolaus Copernicus

The Perfect Way To Ruin A Caesar

"I get it - you guys are pissed off." - Julius Caesar

"Who ate all the pussy?" - Ben Franklin

"Caesars for breakfast, caesars for lunch, caesars for din din... This isn't my house?" - Ted Kennedy

Billy Clinton and Kafka Swap Jokes

"Killing a man ain't hard, double treble crochets are hard." - Billy the Kid

"How many Kafka's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Please leave me alone." - Franz Kafka

"All through the trial I kept wondering what a prize pig would look like in a dress and then I had a snickers bar for dinner." - Bill Clinton

Dickens And The Techno Dreamcoat

"He said 'Dream coat', I asked 'Techno colour?' He said 'Yes', I said 'Amazing' - and Brothers, look at me now!" - Joseph

"Don't worry, we'll sleep head to foot." - Don Juan

"Everyone loved 'Hard Times' but no one mentioned my new haircut, these are hard times indeed." - Charles Dickens

Easy On The Salt G-Man

"Let me tell you what I don't like and it starts with your face." - Julie Andrews

"Red Velvet cake." - George S. Patton

"No, in fact - I don't think there is enough salt on my fries." - Ghandi

Jane Goodall's Big Dance

"What's so damn funny about a chicken escaping across the road?" - Colonel Sanders

"Young, talentless and scared for my big dance recital I peered through a slit in the curtain and searched the audience for my parents' stern but reassuring faces. I did not see them - but waved instead to an entire front row of Gombe Chimpanzees who hooted and howled and threw feces all in my name. I made a very big life decision that night." - Jane Goodall

"Steek, chiken friys, a wuman from tennisee, a jazzie sambah beet... one dictionary." - Tony Bennett

Sweat, Tony Bennett and Reynolds Ala Burt

"Man is a pig and Politics a blade - Twist the blade and bleed the pig." - Richard "Sweat it out" Simmons

"David Bowie, a Chihuahua packed full of cocaine and some Kennedy bastard flush with green... now for the melody." - Tony Bennett

"Mmmm Black girls." - Burt Reynolds

Good Times, Great Friends and Golden Oldies

"The Gombe Chimpanzees weren't returning our calls last sunday - concerned for their safety we tracked them back to their camp and found them enjoying a lovely sunday dinner with the phone off its hook." - Jane Goodall

"Bring me their dimples or bring me their heads." - Shirley Temple

"I've got a feeling - that tonight's gunna be a good night - that tonight's gunna be a good good niiiight." - Paul Revere

Fake Ass Girzzly Bear Kissed Gore Vidal - Ansel Adams Teased

"When I tell you I've kissed a lot of boys it's in your best interest to believe me." - Gore Vidal

"Grizzly bears hate fake bitches." - James "Grizzly" Adams

"If you're not a mountain then get the hell out of the shot!" - Ansel Adams

Lincoln The Critic Meet Franklin The Fetishist... And Some Chimps

"This play needs another act like I need a hole in the head." - Abraham Lincoln

"The Gombe Chimpanzees are reading 'Atlas Shrugged' right now - most of them highly recommend it." - Jane Goodall

"I've always liked nipples... I'm sorry, I'm too drunk." - Ben Franklin

Polio, Chimps and Good Ol' Honey On Nipples

"Polio shmolio, here's what I think of Polio - Eleanor! Hand me my tap shoes." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Despite pressure from outside groups the Gombe Chimpanzees refuse to pick a side in the Israel-Palestine conflict, although they strongly believe in a free Tibet." - Jane Goodall

"I like honey on my nipples...? Those aren't my words! From now on I'll be locking my study." - T.S. Eliot

WE DID IT AMERICA!

"Happy fifth of July New Washington land." - George Washington

"One more scoop of Ice Cream and then it's straight to killing myself." - Franz Kafka

"It's either fifteen pesos per cap or It's hip to be square." - William S. Burroughs

Big Ben, Liberace and Satanic Chimps

"A penny saved is a penny earned - Then again, whores love pennies." - Ben Franklin

"I cried all the way to the bank and then Tony Curtis' chalet." - Liberace

"The Gombe Chimpanzees listened patiently to the Jehova witnesses and even offered them some ice tea afterwards, but gracefully refused to convert from Satanism." - Jane Goodall