Angels Like It Crockett Style - They Do Not Like It In Their Mussolini

"Angels do it all day long" - Unknown stocky man in a stuffed overcoat

"I won't rest until there is a cougar in every pot, a coon over every head and a bear on each foot!" - Davey Crockett, taken from one of his earlier campaigns for a seat in congress

"Do as I say or I'll show your dog my penis." Benito Mussolini *The original phrasing has been lost to history but there is much speculation over the quality of Italian to English translators employed at that time. There is no speculation over their sense of humour.

Walt and Marie Both Agree: Nat Turner's Mum Bakes The Best Cookies

"I ain't afraid of no ghosts." - Nat Turner

"A horribly lisping duck with no pants on - no problem, a high pitched mouse with no pants on - everyone in the focus group has an erection." Walt Disney on Mickey's pants and the rise in confusing erections amongst focus groups

"I'll do it! I'll eat the fucking cake!" - Marie Antoinette

Walt Disney Snubs Jesus At His Own Party

"I'm sorry but this is a private Party." - James The Maitre'd to the patient Roman guards at the last supper

"I call him Shylock the money grubbing mouse sonofabitch!" - Walt Disney's angry early concepts

"Sorry Judas - we didn't know what flavor of ice cream you'd want so we just didn't get you any - you're not mad are you?" - Jesus Christ

A WARNING TO ALL FELLOW HUMANS AND BRIDGET BARDOT

In my time traveling attempts to pincer the truth from history - I've run into my fair share of enemies of free speech: long wordy letters from Greta Garbo, death scented candles from Mussolini, songs from Hank Williams Jr to name a few. Those fruitless challenges and mediocre attempts on my life have been met and matched. This time is quite different:

That unknown and mysterious insignia graced a small envelope that was mixed in with my bills and small lizard hobbyist magazines. I opened the envelope (July 12th, 1967 - a beautiful morning in Newark, New Jersey) and found it stuffed with what I can scientifically assume were mounds of androgenic hair. Thinking it a confusing mix up with someone's membership to a rather specific service provider and not my usual "How To Trick and Tease Your Gecko", I breathed a slow and powerful sigh of relief as I am custom to do, then this fell from the carefully made envelope:

He's back and there is no stopping him. If you have a time machine - use it now, if not... then soon.

Nixon Rollerblades To His Granny's For Sup Sup

“Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!” – Richard Nixon

“And I say Apples ain’t bitter enough!” – Granny Smith

“I love rollerblading.” – Unknown recently divorced male in his mid 40’s, circa 1996.

Kinsey Signs Patton's Chest As Billy Graham Squirms

“My favourite part is when it gets all sticky.” – Alfred Kinsey

“We had to push and kick and force our way into Germany, your mom was much easier.” – Gen. George S. Patton

"If I saw Jesus Christ today - I'd use my tongue." - Billy Graham

Errol Flynn Catches Rock Hudson Dipping Mr. Christie's Cookie

“The key to a successful marriage is separate vacations. I spend six months of the year in Thailand and the wife… her mother’s place or something like that.” – Rock Hudson

“If I had known poor people would be eating my confectioneries I’d have killed myself before the first cookie had cooled.” – Mr. Christie

“ Tennis! Tennis! Tennis! Mescaline, homoerotic doodling and a good half gallon of Vodka before breakfast.” Errol Flynn, on Preparing for a role or a day with the family

Hitler Asked Both Jack Lemmon And Gordie Howe To The Prom

“I don’t need to tell you this – you’re fat, ugly and anti-Semitic - who will dance with you?” – Hitler to his reflection.

“It is not hard out there for a pimp!” – Jack Lemmon

“I don’t think I’m the best that ever was – I just played a game I loved with all my heart. Remember me for that, and not for the brief time I was a communist.” – Gordie Howe

Clark Gable And Lincoln Wrestle Perks From The Duke... Unsuccessfully

“The secret to my smile? Percocet!” – Clark Gable

“Heads, Ford’s Theatre – Tails, I stay in and read.” – Abraham Lincoln

“I let my fists chose the scripts, scenes and girls. I expect all three to be able to take a punch.” – John Wayne

Mary Chose To Sit Between Ford And Liberace

“A car in every living room.” – Henry Ford, in response to the growing television “fad”

“You were an immaculate accident.” – Mary

“It’s done - I just need to add the sparkles.” – Liberace

St. Patrick's Eyes Don't Work Like They Used To; Everything Is Green

“Snakes… I HATE SNAKES!” – St. Patrick

“I got rid of all the snakes save that bitch over there!” – St. Patrick on Mrs. Patrick

“Fucking Green!” – St. Patrick at the moment of Epiphany

Anne Frank Bitches To Roosevelt And Ford About Her Mom

“Fuck mom! I said NO crust on my sandwich.” – Anne Frank

“If he wanted to live, that moose shouldn’t have made fun of my wife’s weight.” – Teddy Roosevelt

“Airplanes? Sounds Jewish.” – Henry Ford

Ghandi Locks Eyes With Siegfried At The Dalai Lama's House Party

“The world should know it sucks… That’s why I do what I do.” – Ghandi

“People are cool with one tiger… but when you start to own three or more – that’s when the name calling starts to get nasty.” – Siegfried, of Siegfried and Roy

“Meet a bitch's parents? I’d rather reach enlightenment all over again.” – Dalai Lama

Truman Capote Measures Himself By Richter's "Scale"

"I liked me better when I wasn't played by a bald, overweight, lisping Appalachian abortion." - Truman Capote on Capote

"I thought of it one day whislt sitting naked on an Ant hill." - Charles Richter on the develeopment of the Richter Magnitude Scale

"I usually write 20-30pgs every morning - Then I go and chop firewood shirtless." -Truman Capote

Reagan Talks Buffett Into Kissing Monet

“If you drink too much hot water in the shower you’ll get hiccups.” – Ronald Reagan

“Success? Three words: Cherry lip gloss.” – Warren Buffett

“It’s Manet!” – Monet

Hoover and Sagan "Eat" Apples With Magritte

“Over half the world wears frilly dresses, teddies and silk stockings – It would be queer if I didn’t.” – J. Edgar Hoover

“I’m Carl Sagan and I’m sleeping with your wife tonight.” – Carl Sagan

“What apples?” – Rene Magritte

Freud and Jack Lemmon Discuss God and the Keebler Elves

“Night after night -Twelve stout men wrestling in a bath house, all for my admiration as I sit on a thrown of bronzed young boys whilst sucking a pacifier; the only dream I could never fully understand.” - Sigmund Freud

“Don’t tell me they’re not real! A king’s ransom for the man who brings me the heads of the Keebler Elves.” – Mr. Christie


“Allah Sh’mallah.” – The always controversial, Jack Lemmon

Jesse James And God Enjoy Robert Ford Flavored Lollipops

“You can suck it for all I care.” – James Alexander Lollipop

“And once you’ve cocked the gun, all you gotta do is aim and pull the trigger.” – A foresightless Jesse James to the quick learner Robert Ford

“Someone should do something.” – God.

Shakes and Nostradamus Lose Everything To Cortes

“Step one, write plays – anyone’s plays will do. Step two, simply produce plays to great success. Step three, get rich - jewels and adorned exotic fabrics should suffice. Step four, have multiple affairs with anything that moves. Step five, don’t get plague. Step six, write about multiple affairs with anything that moves – suggestion: sonnets? Step seven, change a language by way of incorporating yours and your friends rambling incoherencies disguised as heightened language; Example: Durst – meaning: durst if I know. Step eight, can’t stress step five enough. Step nine, cheat death. Step ten, enjoy picnic with friends, eat and drink a whole bunch and go to bed early.” - William Shakespeare on achieving success.

“They’ll have all kinds of flavors. You can even mix them together in one 'cone'… I … I must rest now.” – Nostradamus on the All Mighty Baskin Robbins.

"Gold eh? I might be willing to trade... Or..." - Hernan Cortes

Ronald Reagan And Jack Lemmon Take In A Nervous Sartre

“The dangerous thing about autumn is that those leaves look so delicious… but you can’t eat too many or you’ll get sick.” - Ronald Reagan

“All I ever wanted to do was act, act and get away with killing someone… Anyone.” – Jack Lemmon

“That copy of filthy anal sluts 9 is mine.” – Jean Paul Sartre

Kevin Spacey Convinces Lyndon Johnson and Huxley to try A Brave New World

“Where have all the cowboys gone?” – Kevin Spacey

“I look back fondly on my time spent serving under him... He had a very cute butt.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

“Christianity without tears – that’s what mini skirts are.” – Aldous Huxley

July 16th 1969: Somone Up There Decides Never To Hit Their Wife Again

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFUCK YESSSSSSS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I ain’t ever had this big an erection before and we’re not even a few miles outta the stratosphere thinking about all the pussy that’ll be waiting for me when I get back and how that bitch won’t be able to stop me from gobbling it all up because I’LL BE A HERO to millions of young breasts and firm thighs bobby cut Kennedy clones WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Am I glad Neil and the Queen said no to the extra beer MORE FOR ME and man does it ever taste good. This is what drinking beer was made for I’m pissed they made me turn off the Johnny Horton but fuckem’ they can’t take away my beer Only thing better than this would be a blow job from Ol’ Pink Pillbox herself as we push through the last of a bullshit atmosphere that keeps this shit eatin’ planet down. Not me man not me I’m up and gone! No sand, dirt, water, dog shit or wife.

I can look back now and never have to see her again, with the three of us heroes speeding up, I’ll never have to think about her goddamn mouth running or the way she throws the fucking kids in my face or the goddamn smell of the bathroom after she pushes me outta her. FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM BABY

Houston: (crackle) adjust aft thruster sevente/////(click)

Fuck off Houston don’t worry about it. You got the best of the best flying dick first into heaven – move over baby there’s a new God in town I’m trying to - but the G force is so great that I can’t quite raise my hand up high enough to flip all you off but I’m trying I’m tryyying BLACKOUT.

cocksukers…………cOCK sucking………… Stars.

Stars so many stars that flash of blue so blue why isn’t anyone else seeing this – goddamm – goddamm. Feel that? Anyone else feel that pull? Christ that push! Something is sucking at me something is sucking and pushing it’s pushing all my insides away I can feel it, it’s sucking it down – fell it fight its way from the back of my teeth nails scrapping down my throat cutting out my gums puncturing my lungs clawing at pink flesh twisting and twisting swallowing fluids acids blood screaming out from my bladder screaming out from my bowels dying carving its name in my veins dying at my feet AND now blue. And now black. How come no one told me bout’ this? I’m gunna’ tell everyone White and Black Things shine where they shouldn’t IT’S HUGE IT’S ALL SO HUGE Too big to keep looking this way I have to close my eyes just for a minute just for a minute just for a minute or I’M GOING TO PUKE I want something small I want something soft I need to touch something soft something soft and brown like her hair I miss her brown hair I’ll never let her dye it blonde. I wish she were here just for a minute just to stop everything from spinning to put a cool cloth on the back of my neck she smells so good when I’m sick I need her here to I don’t know I need her to do something she can’t cook – what would she cook? I just need her here to sit near me and be. She’s too far away to do anything for me and even if she were here what the fuck would she do what could she do? Goddamn I don’ t like it here. I don’t like it here without her. Nigger face stars keeping it so dark when I open my eyes I can’t see shit and I wanna’ just see her but BLACK won’t let me see past BLACK too little light that’s what’s the problem out here that’s what I don’t like it’s too dark BABY TURN ON THE LIGHT!

TURN ON THE LIGHTS BABY I NEED A CHANGE I ain’t yellin’ I ain’t yellin I ain’t angry I’m a changed man if you turn on the lights I’m a changed man CHANGED MAN no more going out no more running around, no more hitting smacking kicking no more cussing I’ll play with the kids stop saying they ain’t mine stop fucking your sister - I’ve been fucking your sister I won’t fuck her no more – I’m sorry – I won’t make love to her no more. I LOVE you I’m gunna start saying I love you going to start telling you every night before bed gunna tell the kids gunna tell the dog I love em’ tell my friends quit drinking no more beer except on Christmas and march madness wine on your birthday and Easter. TURN ON THE LIGHTS BABY I don’t like stars anymore I don’t like em’ they just stay there don’t do nothing and it’s so damn quiet I can hear my heart beat and it’s gross I wanna hear you pray I wanna’ hear you pray that I come back pray that the oxygen won’t mix that the parachute ain’t full of holes that the engineers didn’t miss ONE BOLT.

Pray that I’ll never leave you again

Please

SOMEONE PLAY SOME GODDAM FUCKING JOHNNY HORTON NOW BEFORE I LOSE MY BUZZ.

Crusoe Sulks As Madame Curie "Bakes" Cookies For Steve McQueen

"I'll never know why! Why doesn't anyone like my cookies?" - Marie Curie

"Milkmen make for terrible lovers; they come too early and spoil too soon." - Steve McQueen

"Where did you get that birthday cake?" - Robinson Crusoe to an Evasive Friday