A Moment of Silence for Vacations

"Are long white beards in fashion yet? No? Goodnight then." - Rip Van Winkle

"Ugh... more explosions? No more bomb shelters, next year we're vacationing at my mothers and that's final!" - Eva Braun

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! And I brought some incurable diseases with me and a few things/people that bite." - Charles Darwin

See The World, Punch A Dalai Lama

"Why would we see a play? Because it's fun that's why!" - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"Today I feel............................ enlightened?" - Dalai Lama

"Around the world? The whole world? In a boat? Bullshit." - Ferdinand Magellan

Nazi Cakes, Western Friendships and One Dragon

"As American as... a pastry." - Schneider's Nazi Cakes

"Promise not to get mad? I used your tooth brush. You promised!" - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"You're sounding a lot like a dragon I used to know." - St. George

It's Inquisition Time Kids!

"Rome, Let me assure you - we're sleeping head to toe." Mark Antony

"Bolivia! They'll accept our love in Bolivia, I'm sure of it." - Butch Cassidy to The Sundance Kid

"The mace is for gentle guidance, the rack for rehabilitation, the whip for encouragement, the red hot pokers for poking and the nice towels are for guests only." - Tomas de Torquemada, first Inquisitor General of Spain

Let's Go To Camp... Not You Houdini

"Eating six salt crackers in under a minute cannot and will not be done by man!" - Harry Houdini

"We don't see it as it is - we see it as it was... That's why you can't go to summer camp." - Carl "Dad" Sagan

"Beware of the person of one book, especially if it's heavy or has gilded corners - those hurt the most." - St. Thomas Aquinas

Jane Goodall's Big Dance

"What's so damn funny about a chicken escaping across the road?" - Colonel Sanders

"Young, talentless and scared for my big dance recital I peered through a slit in the curtain and searched the audience for my parents' stern but reassuring faces. I did not see them - but waved instead to an entire front row of Gombe Chimpanzees who hooted and howled and threw feces all in my name. I made a very big life decision that night." - Jane Goodall

"Steek, chiken friys, a wuman from tennisee, a jazzie sambah beet... one dictionary." - Tony Bennett

Sweat, Tony Bennett and Reynolds Ala Burt

"Man is a pig and Politics a blade - Twist the blade and bleed the pig." - Richard "Sweat it out" Simmons

"David Bowie, a Chihuahua packed full of cocaine and some Kennedy bastard flush with green... now for the melody." - Tony Bennett

"Mmmm Black girls." - Burt Reynolds

Good Times, Great Friends and Golden Oldies

"The Gombe Chimpanzees weren't returning our calls last sunday - concerned for their safety we tracked them back to their camp and found them enjoying a lovely sunday dinner with the phone off its hook." - Jane Goodall

"Bring me their dimples or bring me their heads." - Shirley Temple

"I've got a feeling - that tonight's gunna be a good night - that tonight's gunna be a good good niiiight." - Paul Revere

Big Ben, Liberace and Satanic Chimps

"A penny saved is a penny earned - Then again, whores love pennies." - Ben Franklin

"I cried all the way to the bank and then Tony Curtis' chalet." - Liberace

"The Gombe Chimpanzees listened patiently to the Jehova witnesses and even offered them some ice tea afterwards, but gracefully refused to convert from Satanism." - Jane Goodall

WWJW: What Would Jesus Wish?

"If you're holding out for a better man... I wouldn't." - Richard Nixon

"Oh magic Genie of the lamp my first wish is... A solid gold robe." - Jesus Christ

"Hawwwwwwwwwt Sauce or Hot sauce, it doesn't matter - just put it on." - Martin Luther King Jr.

Inventors And Chimps Kiss The Same

“Here’s an idea, fuck off!” – Thomas Edison

“It makes bread, heats water, immunizes infants and fools around with Edison’s wife.” – Nikola Tesla

“They RSVP’d the next day and almost every one of the Gombe chimpanzees has bought something on the registry.” – Jane Goodall

Lincoln, Goodall And Roosevelt = Another Drink Please

“I never thought I’d be the one to tell you this but you have a stupid hat.” – Abraham Lincoln, to his reflection

“Although they didn’t like the play, all the Gombe Chimpanzees agreed that it was nice to get out for a night.” – Jane Goodall

“It doesn’t matter what size the bear is, I only brought one dress and I’ll be damned if that bear isn’t going to wear it.” – Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

Everest, Chimps or Salted Nuts: Life Decisions

“All men are like peanuts, when you crack their shells they’ll show you their nuts… Unless they’re salted and shelled… In that case you’ll have to pay more… It’s a navy blue Lexus.” – Jimmy Carter

“I don’t know what’s more terrifying – Climbing Mt. Everest or telling that Sherpa how I really feel.” – Sir Edmund Hillary

“The Gombe Chimpanzees have no love for Phil Collins – but seem to respect his body of work and contribution to music.” – Jane Goodall

Kidney Stones Go To Hell Through Your Urethra

"It's like having your child ripped from your womb... only your child is a griffin with huge terrifying talons." - Lucille Ball on Kidney Stones

"Father, why have you forsaken me?" - Jesus Christ on Kidney Stones

"I'd rather give women the vote... They did what?" - The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon on Kidney Stones

The Boys Are Back In Town... They're Pissed

“I’ll dance for you today but I’ll have my bloody revenge tomorrow.” – Gene Kelly

“I dream of power and glory but wake to mirrors and cold truth; All is not fair and not all are fair.” – Richard Simmons

“Do Lewis and Clark plan to hold hands the entire expedition?” – Thomas Jefferson

Why I Hate Late Medieval Russia, Tony Curtis And Susan B. Anthony

“If I told you – you had a beautiful body would you let me try on that chiffon dress.” – Tony Curtis

“Stick and stones may break my bones but at least I’m not one of your whores.” – Susan B. Anthony

“Where did I put those pikes? This happens every time I have fresh severed heads.” – Ivan The Terrible (if not somewhat forgetful)

Muppets, Fried Chicken And Infectious Enlightenment

“Fire… only fire can kill them.” – Jim Henson, last words.

“I was near death, with doctors saying that I wouldn’t make it through the month – and then I thought, ‘Hey, why don’t I sell my fried chicken instead of just eating it all to myself.” – Colonel Sanders

“If I wasn’t reaching enlightenment I’d be reaching for some dice, three fingers of scotch and your skirt.” – Dalai Lama

Blind Love, Blind Faith And Mickey Rooney Yelling

“All anyone needs is a kind woman with Jesus in her heart and a beautiful bumpy face.” – Louis Braille

“I don’t need you, I DON’T NEED ANYONE! What I do need is another fifteen pounds of make up and six ounces of gin and a script for fifty years ago – quit crying, I ain’t shooting at you.” - Mickey Rooney

“Bangs or… no bangs.” – Samson

The Donners Are Throwing A Party? Y'all In?

“I’ve felt fat this whole voyage.” – Christopher Columbus

“The groundhog said another six weeks – it’s been five, so let’s keep marching.” – George Donner

“The most dangerous men are the ones who refuse to stay bottomed.” – Merv Griffin

This Is Why Merv Griffin Is Outlawed

“Everybody knows Bronson was the spic Marlon Brando.” – The Always Controversial Jack Lemmon

“Did you hear the one about the chicken crossing the road? No? Then I guess it never happened.” – Immanuel Kant

“The money, the keys and your jacket – NOW!” – Merv Griffin