I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR IT BUT THERE IT WAS THE DOORBELL
The fucking doorbell ringing at whatever time it was in the morning. I had just pulled myself into bed after a marathon of making love to my beautiful wife MXXXXXX who, like clockwork, was fast asleep the second after she came. Typical. I tried to shake her, pinch her and press into her but after that rigorous lovemaking how could she not be comatose. THE FUCKING DOORBELL would not stop ringing, at what I was sure to be an ungodly hour – Ferchrissakes it was even being held down and played to some rhythm, maybe an old Al Jolson song. I was pretty sure it was an Al Jolson song but it was late so who can blame me for being off on the tune. I tried shakin’ that beautiful wife of mine one more time, slapped her ass a bit and slyly grabbed at her crotch. Nothing. Tonight it was I being forced to go downstairs and slap the face off of whoever was waking me up at this, which was (I’m almost certain) and unholy hour. My house is a big house, I make a lot of money and I’m not afraid to buy the finer things in life for my family. I can’t tell you what I do but just know that’s it’s important and sexy as hell. No! I’m not a spy. But I am nimble, which is probably why it was so easy to jump down the giant oak staircase that is the centerpiece to my Monticello and grab one of the heavy ivory handled umbrellas (From Elvis) for self-defense. In case you’re wondering the umbrellas were a kind of I’m sorry present after his dogs threw up in my hot tub. I had it in my mind to use the three thousand dollar umbrella to bash in the christallfuckin’gad head of whoever was responsible for waking me out of my favourite dream. As an aside I was dreaming (without shame) about buying the first car I’ve always wanted; a 1956 Buick Le Sabre with white walls and automatic transmission, air cruise option and my fourth grade music teacher in the driver seat. THE FUCKER WAS STILL RINGING THE BELL! As my right hand - my strong hand gripped at the large crystal handle of my thirteen foot gold leaf door, I thought of my gorgeous wife asleep with half a pint of me in her, and my kids who are on the honor role at the private school that I PAID FOR with MY MONEY given to me for doing a job that’s too important to even tell you. A primal instinct long dormant arose to its peak. I turned that handle and pulled. Tonight was the night I would kill, I WOULD KILL WHOEVER DARED TO WALK MY LAND WHOEve…
Einstein.
Goddam Einstein. Drunk, covered in the tattered rags of pre war sweaters slurring in that damn funny accent of his estimating my mass unzipping his pants.
“Watch out I gotta’ piss.”
I moved out of the way just in time to see that dirty old man whip out a cold calculating dick and piss all over my HEATED CHINESE CERAMIC TILED FLOOR. His hair was a mess, as usual, he smelled like dogs and gin and for the two solid minutes it took me to convince myself I was awake and that this was happening he would not stop pissing on my floor.
“Guess where I’ve been?” He said as he dabbed the head of his penis on his undershirt.
“The kennel.”
“Those fuckers… not after last time. GuesswhereI’veBeen?”
“Get the hell outta here! It’s three am.”
“It’s 2:48.”
“Go home. You’re drunk and you smell. Here, let me call you a cab.”
“Fuck off, I don’twannafuckin’… Cab?”
“Yeah you do. GET OUTTA HERE! You ain’t coming in.”
I struggled with the old genius, he was and always has been a surprisingly strong drunk so I really was at a disadvantage and needed to, I stress this - I needed to stop him or he would have come in and woke everyone, everything I have worked for UP. Just as he was charging to take a run - if you’re ever been drinking with Al you know what kind of trouble I was trying to stop – I jammed the ivory handle up into his throat.
“Faaughhhhhuck!”
I don’t feel bad about it, it needed to be done he was trying to trespass. This was my house, my GODDAMhouse with my perfect wife and perfect kids; even my dog had promise. I was not going to let this drunken scientist come in and what? Try and rape my wife? THE COCKSUCKER! I hit him again for me even thinking of the idea. He started to cough up a bit of blood right about when Ted “I Thought She Was 17” Kennedy tackled me down, cracking several of the HEATED CHINESE CERMAIC TILES.
“Get off get off GETOFF!”
“I’ll keel you fer dat, nobody touches MAH BUHDY.”
Ted had been “parking” his car on my neighbor’s lawn when he caught a glimpse of three thousand dollar’s worth of Ivory smack into his drinking bud’s turkey neck. We started wrestling on the floor and though I am proud of my body (it is, without exaggeration, truly something to be proud of) I was no match for all that goddamn Ivy League football shit. I got to my feet just before he tackled me into a bust of Liberace (a gift) and I fell back with what was left of the air in my lungs forced out, confused and looking at me gasping on the ground. Ted was huffing and puffing and his big fat Irish face was turning all kinds of red. I saw that he was coming over to start kicking at my ribs (The Kennedy classic), when I remembered a trick some girl from Michigan had taught me after I said she looked like a dyke in plaid. Just as he loomed over me in his big ‘I’m going to get the black vote stance’, I kicked him as hard as I could in the jewels. Right square in the jewels and lemme’ tell you. Aside from having sex with my gorgeous wife, picking up my kids from school and watching COLOR TV – there is nothing I like or enjoy more than kicking a big guy – especially a Kennedy – Right Square in the Jewels. He let out a big Irish grunt and said something about my mother then collapsed, crushing Al as he tried to regain his posture. We were all on the floor heaving and wheezing, three geniuses in our own right as weak as we were born. Ted threw up and then started to sing an old Irish tune. I would never say this in front of his family, but Teddy has a beautiful voice. Al Spoke first, which surprised me.
“Get dressed.”
“No.”
“We’re going out for whores.”
Ted got himself up and looked at me with a huge cunt hungry grin. In the dead light of my front hall he looked a little cross-eyed.
“He’s a feisty one, kicked me in the nuts.”
“You kicked Teddy boy in the balls?”
“The jewels, and yeah I did… HE TACKLED ME!”
“It’s an auld Harvahd Jowke. I’s thawt you sid he wint ta Harvahd.”
“I didn’t go to Harvard. “
“Thank Fecking Gawhd, Want Happun agin pal. The ferst whore’son me.”
“I don’t want a whore.”
For the first time since I opened the door a silence fell upon my house that would make the cosmos crack. God stopped masturbating life into every corner the universe and looked back in awe of his creations. Bukowski woke up from a cold sweat and vomited blood. That last one may not be related to this specific event. The two looked dumbfounded but I could see that Al was calculating, cooking up a hypothetical reason for why I didn’t want to get a whore. As he twisted his face and stuck out his tongue I could tell he was stumped.
“You’re a fucking liar, of course you wanta’ whore, Ted’s dad is paying for it.”
“Yeah.” I could hear Ted pissing in his pants.
“I don’t want a whore, I want to sleep.”
Al was going at it again, trying to put it into an equation that he could understand; Nice house+wife+kids+dog+47.5 years – FUN + separate accounts= Whores!
“Come on we’ll take care of it.”
“I said No.”
“Whadsa mahtar? How cames he dan’t wanna whoooore?”
“He wants one he wants one, you want one right?”
“NO WHORES!”
“Yu’se summa kindah fagit?” Ted cocked his fist, each knuckle looked like a little honey-baked ham.
“I’m not a faggot.”
“Good, Then let’s go get some whores!”
“Shhh.”
“Is it your wife? You’re afraid-listen we’ll keep it quiet we don’t have to bring em’ here we can bring them to Ted’s place.” Ted shook his head and pointed to no direction in particular save the horizon.
“We’ll take em’ to Bobby’s then. What do ya say? You like Bobby.” I did.
“Get the fuck outta here I ain’t going with you to go get whores at four in the morning.”
“It’s 3:08”
“Fuck off Al, I ain’t going with you. Get outta’ here before you wake my
Family up.”
“Faggit.”
“Fagut.”
They left me standing there in a very expensive terry cloth robe with vomit and blood on cracked HEATED CHINESE CERAMIC TILES as they piled into Ted’s “parked” car and drove off to what I can only expect would be another boy’s night out without me.
I checked around my front lawn to see if they damaged any of the azaleas or geraniums, or if they left anyone behind. Nothing. I had won, and so I looked out unto my quiet gated community, my kingdom and my heaven and searched for the plume of twilight air. I found it on my front porch, how sweet it was, how sweet the air was behind a gated community. How beautiful the crafted peace was, how radiant the lack of energy was – For this instance I finally felt like I was a part of a universe, not just as a grain of sand but also as a working cog in a greater machine. I’ll admit it. I cried a little as I watched Ted Kennedy and Albert Einstein “drive” away looking for whores at five in the morning.
Pulling the door shut and leaving it unlocked, I let go another little tear. I was walking up my big oak staircase bought with my own money, passing by my sleeping kids, getting an erection at the thought of their bright futures and slipping into the warm bed beside my faithful wife; slowly playing with her breasts until I fell asleep. I was truly alive.
This is what the politicians and the geniuses oftentimes forget ; the simple things are all that matter.
- Art.
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